It was just a dream

This morning was one of those where you wake up to the alarm and don’t remember what you were dreaming.  Then, in the midst of my workout, it flooded my mind… followed by the letdown that it wasn’t real.  I hate those dreams.  I dreamt that Don Queco had come back to life.  At first, it seemed odd in my dream, but once I realized all his family had accepted it, and it seemed to be the natural course of events, it was fine.  He was really different.  The same but different.  He had a peace about him that he hadn’t had when he was alive.  He didn’t say a ton in my dream, but he had the same laugh, and his eyes sparkled and had a light about them I’d only seen glimpses of.  At one point we were laying on our stomachs just talking and I said to him, promise me you’ll never leave me again, but then I backed off because I still wasn’t sure where we stood.  I said, well, not for my sake, I mean, your family I’m sure doesn’t want you to leave again.  He looked me in the eye, and I can’t remember exactly what he said now, but it was something to the effect that he promised he wouldn’t and he never had left me, he was always there.  He hugged and kissed me and then I noticed all his family were around us, and one of his sisters said, finally, he’s going to ask her for real this time.  I looked at him, he had pulled out a ring, and he asked me to marry him.  I woke up shortly after.  I also remember that during the dream, I never felt weighed down like I sometimes do in dreams.  I felt weightless.  And even when I felt uncertainties, I still felt an overlying feeling of peace.

What does it all mean?  One of my friends suggested dreams are a way of the deceased to keep in touch with us, to let us know they are still around and still love us.  I’ve also heard Heavenly Father can speak to us through dreams, and tell us of things to come.  Or it could just be my subconscious mind again feeding me a load of bull to try and help me cheer up, or just manifesting the deep desires of my heart, even though I’m afraid to voice them in real life, because logically, it’ll never be.  He’s dead.  And while I do believe everyone will be resurrected, I don’t think Don Queco could just do that randomly.  But there’s one tiny piece of me that would like to believe Don Queco is trying to talk to me… maybe not that we really would be together, maybe on the other side, but that he’s trying to reassure me he loves me.  Okay, why don’t I just be honest here, yes, I do wish I knew if we would be together on the other side.  If so, this blog probably isn’t necessary.  Unless I’m supposed to be with someone during this life, but with Don Queco in the end.  But how would I explain that one to a potential spouse… hey, I’m really just looking for someone to be with during this life, and then I plan on being with someone who’s on the other side when I get there.  But then Don Queco was married and sealed (a marriage ceremony in the LDS church that binds husband and wife for eternity, not till death do us part) while he was alive.  They got divorced, but they’re still sealed, so who knows what will happen when all is said and done.  It’s a tricky thing.  I probably just shouldn’t worry about it.  But I do.  Because in the end, I don’t want to be alone.  If he and I aren’t meant to be together on the other side, I’d rather just know, and not have dreams like this so that I can let Don Queco go.  It’s so frustrating, and sometimes I feel really angry.  I really would like to move on with my life.  But how can I date and look for my knight while I’m still dealing with this?  Obviously, I can’t.  Perhaps this blog will be more therapeutic than I hoped.  Sometimes I feel like I have so much love to give, just waiting to come out, but no one to give it to (other than my kids and friends and family).  And it makes me sad.  Hmmm… I think I remember Don Queco expressing something similar once.  

So the jury cannot come to a consensus.  And I know this is one of those topics where I love to hear people’s perspectives, but in the end, this is something I have to figure out on my own.  Is Don Queco still with me?  I ask myself, why would he?  Why would he have time to concern himself with me?  It would be so comforting to me to know he was trying to let me know the answers I still seek.  Why can’t I let myself just believe?  This isn’t like Santa Claus.  I know our spirits live on after we die.  I know friendships we had in this life will still exist, and we’ll still love and care about the same people we did when we were alive.  I know families can be together forever.  But as I grow older, I realize there is a lot more grey than black and white.  And I don’t want to believe something if it isn’t real.  Because then I’ll just hurt again in the end.  And I’m tired of hurting.  As I said to Don Queco when he was alive, I’d give up everything I have, all my earthly possessions, just to truly be loved.  But I’m thinking this is just too much to ask.