Wake Up!

Every now and then we all have things happen to us that serve as little wake-up calls.  Some might be big wake-up calls.  Whether it’s a knock over the head helping us see the blessings we have right in front of us, or a slap in the face to do something we should be doing but aren’t, it happens to us all.  I’ve experienced this a few times, and just did yesterday.  I’m still trying to process everything- thoughts, feelings, emotions, so bear with me and I’ll try to make this post make sense, even though things don’t completely make sense to me yet.  I have a lot to get out of my head and put to paper, as well, so bear with me.

For the past five months or so I’ve been experiencing a pounding, racing heart that won’t slow down.  During October, it was happening every week, each one longer than the previous.  The last one I think happened on my daughter’s birthday, and lasted 8 hours.  But then nothing for the last two months so I figured all was well with the world again.  They weren’t much fun because accompanying the pounding-so-my-shirt-shakes hyper-speed rhythms, I also had pain in my chest, up my neck, and an ache in my head.  And what was scary was that nothing I did stopped them and they kept getting longer.  

After a long difficult week, including one of those birthday’s I’d rather forget, I was studying for my comprehensive exams which are next Friday, when my heart started pounding.  I started praying it would stop in a minute, as it has on quite a few occasions.  But after I hit an hour with no change, I knew this one was a stubborn episode and wasn’t just going away.  Not sure what to do since I’d have to get the kids from school in a couple hours, and wishing it would still stop, I kept at my studying, although I was having a hard time concentrating.  Eating lunch was very difficult because it was difficult to move my tongue.  When it was almost time to get the kids, I was thinking, I need to stop putting off seeing a doctor.  

Now, I associate doctors, doctor’s offices, and hospitals with sadness, pain, sicknesses, medicine (which I’m also not a fan of), and downright fear.  Is there some defined phobia of doctors and hospitals?  If so, I think I have it.  Couple that with never seeming to have enough money as it is, and impending bills from my daughter’s tonsillectomy last month, the thought of going to the doctor down right scared the pants off me.  But after school, when my son said, mom, I’m scared, you need to go to the doctor, that did it for me.  If for nothing else, I needed to go get it checked for the kids’ sake.  Still worried my heart would slow down by the time I got there, as it had once before, I drove the short distance to the student health clinic.  My heart was moseying along at 220 beats per minute, more than double a resting pulse.  I could tell the doctor and nurse began to panic when they realized they couldn’t do anything for me, not even measure my blood pressure because my heart was pounding so hard.  But when I heard the words, call an ambulance, tears came unbidden.  My first thought was… what about my kids?  They’re at home alone!  I told the nurse and she said, it’s okay we can call someone to be with them.  They put me in a wheelchair and rolled me into the lab, tears streaming and chin quivering past all the patients in the waiting room.  They hooked me up to an EKG to get readouts for the hospital.  The nurse took me back to my room via a longer but more discrete route, bless her.  Just as we got to my room, the EMT’s also came in with a gurney.  A gurney, I was thinking, that’s for really hurt or sick people, I’m fine!  I started freaking out again about the kids, as I hadn’t had time to call anyone yet, but the nurse assured me, they’ll be okay.  

So, I carefully got up, a bit dizzy and weak, and onto the gurney. They rolled me out to the waiting ambulance.  I was flooded with thoughts and emotions, from remembering all the Grey’s Anatomy shows I’d seen with people in much worse condition than me going to the hospital; to hoping no one was stopping and staring at me.  I still had on the hospital gown open towards the front and I was trying to stay modest.  Not only that, but the EMT’s were all extremely cute and I was certainly not looking my best.  The ride to the hospital was one of those events that seem to last forever but also goes by quickly.  They tried to get an IV in me, but told me I have deep veins, so they couldn’t get it.  They were impressed at how long and hard I could blow through this tube, an effort to slow down my heart which didn’t work.  And said I could easily run a marathon, to which I quickly replied, nah, I only run 1.5 to 2 miles a day, there’s no way I could do a marathon.  One of the guys said, if I can do it, you can… and your heart is going so fast and has for so long, it’s like you’ve already run a marathon.  

I don’t want to describe the entire ambulance ride, but I can tell you those men definitely have a gift.  A gift for making someone feel at ease during a crisis situation.  There was a feeling of peace and calm in the ambulance I wasn’t anticipating.  Despite being in pain, scared, and worried about the kids, the EMTs were kind and soothing and somehow comforted me in my time of need.    And isn’t that what the Savior asked of us, to succor those in need of succoring?  I thanked the EMT’s when they left, but their acts of kindness and unselfishness will forever be engrained in my heart.

The stress and shock from this experience had made me start shivering and my hands were freezing, made worse when they wheeled me out of the ambulance.  I could see nurses and a doctor getting ready for our arrival inside.  They quickly got me into a room and it took about 8 people to lift me off the gurney onto the bed.  I was fully prepared to get up and do it myself, but one of the EMT’s said, no, let us do it for you.  Not used to having other people take care of me, I acquiesced.  

I find it hard to believe that my ER doctor having the same condition as me was a coincidence.  Knowing he knew how I felt was comforting.  The adept nurses got an IV in me with no trouble.  Because nothing anybody was doing was making my heart slow down, they decided to give me some medicine that would stop my heart and make it go down to a normal pace.  Because this medicine is usually administered in the field and therefore not in the ER, all the med students were brought in to observe.  While we were waiting on the medicine, it was a little disconcerting to have a packed house- med students, nurses, the doctor and the EMT’s were all standing there watching me while I knew I was not looking up to beauty pageant quality.  The doctor had tried to tell me what it would feel like, but I wasn’t prepared for the almost immediate hot, pressing/squeezing sensation that started around my mid-section and quickly spread out after the doctor pushed the liquid through my IV.  Within a few seconds, just when I thought I would be squeezed to death, arching my back and squeezing my eyes shut, my heart slowed down, the strange sensation stopped and the symptoms started receding.  After perhaps 30 seconds, my heart beat had returned to normal and the room cleared out faster than you can say all better now!  

The doctor said that other than speed, my heart beats had been regular and consistent, contrary to what he himself usually experienced.  I asked if running 5-6 times a week had anything to do with that, and he said maybe.  I said I had worried that running made my heart worse, and he said, no definitely not.  When I was getting ready to leave, probably 15 minutes after he’d given me the magic meds, the nurse said she’d never seen anyone recover that quickly.  It was then that I’d never been so thankful for being in good shape.

For now, I’m not sure what will happen.  I feel like I’m a walking, ticking time bomb.  I have a short circuit in my heart and when it starts beating fast, sometimes it can’t stop.  Although I know my Heavenly Father loves me and won’t leave me comfortless, I’m scared.  Not scared to die.  But scared of the unknown.  What if I need a painful surgery or have to take expensive medication the rest of my life?  What if a really bad episode happens when I’m with the kids, and they have to go to the hospital with me and what if I don’t make it, and they have to watch?  

In addition, I feel like I have one more strike against me when it comes to dating.  My guess is, many guys won’t want to deal with the potential problems.  As I’ve reflected today on yesterday’s events, I’ve had occasional tears.  There is so much to be thankful for.  The nurse at the clinic who told me my kids would be taken care of, came up to my apartment to check on them and ask around for someone to look in on them.  I’d just barely gotten home when two leaders from my church called to see if I was okay and if they could do anything.  You read about nurses and doctors working together quickly and efficiently amongst the chaos in an ER, and I can attest to the truthfulness of that.  I’m thankful for their kindness, dedication, and for all those hours they put in learning what they needed to in order to help me.  I’m grateful for all the prayers from my friends who responded to my post on Facebook about my first ride in an ambulance.  I’m thankful the kids were okay, although my daughter cried when she found out I was taken to the hospital.  And there’s still some fear in all of us of the unknown.

On the other hand, I had to wonder why everyone was making a fuss.  I know plenty of other people who have been through worse.  And I know had the worst happened, people would be sad, but everyone moves on.  And Don Queco has been on my mind a lot this week, I’m not sure why.  I wondered later if he was there in the ER with me, watching over me.  Last night as I looked at a picture of us on my mirror, I really missed him.  I wished he was there to give me one of his amazing hugs.  And today I acutely felt my loneliness at still being single.  When the kids went through their usual arguing and fighting today it was almost too much.

This was another of those events, like Don Queco’s death, that made me feel different about the world I live in.  It doesn’t look the same, feel the same.  I’m not the same.  I’m so grateful again for having met Edward this summer, and that he got me into running, because I’m pretty sure yesterday would have been much worse if I wasn’t in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in.  But on the other hand, I’m so weary of life.  I’m worried about these bills, about not having enough study time yesterday and today to do well on my exams Friday.  I’d just as soon be done with life already.  I don’t want my body to shut down and wear out as I age.  I don’t want my kids, my parents, or my friends to have to worry about me.  I don’t want to worry about me.  And I miss Don Queco.  

My wake-up call came in the realization that working out is the best things I’ve done for myself in a long time.  But there are some things I need to fix and stop making excuses as to why I can’t overcome them. 

Reflections on 2011

One of my goals for this year is to be more consistent with this blog.  I was reminded yesterday from a comment on a singles group a recently became a part of on Facebook that so many of us often feel alone.  We feel alone when we don’t need to feel that way.  Because although no one has experienced exactly what you have, many do know how you feel.  Although I started this blog so my future knight would know the things about me that have formed and shaped me into the amazing woman I am becoming, I also want this to be a safe place where people can come for inspiration, and to know they are not alone.

One of my favorite things about the end of a year is all the countdowns.  Top news stories of the year, top songs.  I also caught some of a top 90 songs of the 90’s yesterday (I love my XM radio!).  So I thought I’d share some person reflections about what I’ve learned this year, both from some of the top news stories, as well as my top personal news stories for the year.  I’ll start with the national and world headlines (but unlike traditional countdowns, this in in chronological order rather than biggest stories or most important).  I just thought I’d comment on the ones that stand out… that I don’t have to go back and look through archived news reports or journal entries for the details.

Japan

When the big earthquake and ensuing tsunami hit Japan, I found myself glued to the TV much as I had on 9/11.  The video was amazing.  I tried to picture what it would be like to be standing there in your field when this huge wall of water, including cars, houses, and other debris came barreling down on you.  I looked at the Google Maps satellite images quite a few times… the ones showing the before and after pictures.  It was hard to fathom that so much area could be wiped out in so short a time.  In addition, after meeting someone during my internship who had worked on the crisis communications between our military forces stationed in Japan and the Pentagon, I saw a bigger picture.  Can you image trying to coordinate communication with people in a recently devastated area to make sure all is okay?  They were so far away, but thousands here in the states were depending on those reports to know if their loved ones were okay.  Talk about a stressful job.

Crazy weather

I thought the rain and snow here in Utah was NEVER going to end this year!  It finally did… after I left for DC, in which I walked right into their first heat wave of the summer. The year started out as the wettest in a very long time for Utah… and it ended in the driest December on record, I believe.  Then let’s talk about the flooding, blizzards, thousands of tornadoes, hurricane, droughts and fires this past year.  Whew!  It makes your head spin.  While it’s hard to believe this was all La Nina’s fault, I firmly believe it is a sign of the times.  I also believe the earth goes through cycles, and it could still be hundreds of years before the Savior comes again.  In the meantime, everyone get your food storage, flood and earthquake insurance, and make sure you’re living a good life so if you do meet your maker, you’ll be prepared!

Osama Bin Laden

While I don’t know that any of us will say down the road, I remember exactly what I was doing when I heard Osama Bin Laden was finally killed like we did with 9/11, I can say this was the first big news event that I found out about first from social media on my phone.  Then I turned on CNN to see the reports on TV. 

9/11 10 year anniversary

This anniversary affected me much stronger than the others for 9/11.  I’ll refer you to my blog about it.  But my love and appreciation for America and our men and women in uniform still burns brightly today.  Every time I see someone in a military uniform, fire gear, or police uniform, I’m reminded of the respect I have for them.  I often say a little prayer for their safety, and strength to their family.

Global economic crisis

I just read a report this morning where the German Chancellor said although Europe will likely see a recession in the first part of the year, these hardships will bring everyone closer together.  I read numerous reports this year about how people are moving less, having fewer babies, and what they do have occur later in life, are getting married less, buying homes less, and starting up businesses less.  However, I also wonder if the convergence/divergence will change in the coming years.  This refers to how people seem to become more- and less connected due to the internet and social media.  We communicate more online, but how many of those people do we interact with in person?  And how well do we know our neighbors?  But I’m wondering if the economic hardship still plaguing many in our country will cause us to become more neighborly, to reach out to one another more again, like in the old days.  Wouldn’t it be nice to know your neighbors well enough to call on them in your time of need?  I know many places here in UT are like that, and perhaps in other parts of the country too, but many aren’t. 

Now for the personal stories that topped my year.

New Year’s 2011

For the first time in years, and not the last time in 2011, I partied like I was 18 again- and it felt great!  No, I didn’t do anything with reckless abandon like I might have when I was 18, but it felt great to just go out and have fun with friends and leave all my hats at home (mom, student, daughter, sister) and just be me.  There were many times during my summer internship where I felt the same way, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Don Queco’s death

This by far was the most life-changing event for me this year and will probably go down in my personal history book as a pivotal time in my life.  I know I’ve already said a lot in this blog about Don Queco and his passing.  So in reflection, what have I learned from it all as I near the one year anniversary (already, I can’t believe it)?  First and foremost I’ve learned don’t be afraid to say I love you.  What’s the worst that could happen?  They don’t reciprocate and then you’re hurt.  I think what would be worse than this is not saying I love you, and then losing the opportunity forever.  You’ll always live with the “what would have happened if…” I feel incredibly blessed that Don Queco was allowed to tell me, finally, that he loved me.  But how different might things have been if he could have told me when he was alive?  I’ve also learned it is so important to forget about me and reach out to others.  So many people, like me, shut out the world when they need someone to care about them the most.  So I need to make sure I am listening for promptings to reach out to someone, even if I think it’s a crazy idea, that they’ll think I’m being stupid and they’re just fine.  Only Heavenly Father knows what is in people’s hearts.  And I hope I can be better at being an instrument in His hands to help comfort those who stand in need of comfort.  Another concept that became more concrete for me this year- if I ever do find my knight in shining armor, not a day will go by that I won’t thank you- and my Heavenly Father for bringing you into my life.  Each day with you will be a gift.  Even the hard days.

Internship in Washington D.C.

This I think will be looked back on as another pivotal point in my life (wow, it’s rare I have two of those experiences in one year!).  It is still difficult for me to wrap my head around everything I learned from this experience.  I experienced so much growth.  I gained self-confidence.  My relationship with Edward was a love/hate one.  It was really good for me in some ways but also really bad for me in others.  I have found myself sometimes reflecting on how meeting him, and many others in DC, have forever changed me.  I look at some things much differently now.  My perceptions on so many things have changed.  I think I experienced a polar shift.  Yet at the same time, I’ve realized my core beliefs, my testimony, is still strong and sure and fully intact.  I may respond to certain thoughts, ideas, and situations differently than before this past summer, but I still know who I am.  A daughter of God.  And my real name, Amanda, which means beloved, was an appropriate choice from my parents (thanks, mom and dad!).

Vacation with the kids

Our trip to CA was awesome!  I overcame a few fears with this trip.  That we could all peaceably survive a long car trip together.  That I could plan and execute a family vacation by myself.  That the kids would actually have a good time.  It was exactly what we had needed after being apart all summer.  While there are still rumblings here and there since then from my son wanting to live with his dad, that trip helped bring us closer together as a family.  Although money was really tight, it was money well spent.  Now I want to plan a family vacation for us every year.  I remember the vacations my family took with fondness.  And I want my kids to have memories like that too.  This trip, as well as my time in DC, also made me increasingly miss living close to my family.  I am grateful my kids have their dad’s large family here in UT, but I really miss being near my family.  And now I have a nephew back east that I really wish I could live closer to.  I want to be a good aunt!  And I want my kids to know and love the people in my family too.  Because my family may be smaller, but they are awesome.  And I love and miss them.

My daughter’s baptism and illnesses

I put those two things together because they are interrelated.  My daughter experienced so much sickness and pain this past year, but especially the past 4 months or so.  My heart has ached for her so much.  I always marveled at how much her brother had been through health-wise, and that she had always been really healthy with no major problems.  Then this year she had to get glasses, has had multiple not-so-fun visits to the dentist, and just had her tonsils and adenoids removed.  I wonder if someday she’ll know and understand how hard all of this has been on me?  I now understand how hard it is on my parents when I go through hard things.  I’m grateful I can hold my daughter when she is crying.  How many times over the past 4 years especially have my parents ached to hold me in times of trial?  My daughter’s baptism was a special day more because through the power of the priesthood, she was strengthened enough from her illness that she could still go through the baptism.  I hope she looks back on that day as not only a special day in her spiritual progression, but also a day where Heavenly Father showed His love for her and his knowledge of her individual needs.  After getting through her surgery, which was really scary for me, I learned that I really can be a good mom.  I really can be there when my kids need me, even when I have a lack of experience.  And I can do these things through Christ which strengtheneth me.  I don’t need a husband to get through hard things.  Yes, it would be nice, but I can get through hard things.

Kids’ extracurricular activities

I have been proud of my kids so many times this year.  Scouts, chess club, trumpet, swimming lessons, and ball room dance lessons all gave my kids ample opportunities to shine.  As they grow and their talents begin to emerge, I am so excited to see what they wind up doing with their lives.  I can’t wait to see more of what they are passionate about.  And I hope they use their talents to not just bring joy into my life, but into other’s lives.

2012 predictions

I always have to laugh at the many articles about the coming year’s predictions.  At one point yesterday, I was almost thinking, I don’t think I want to know what this year will bring.  This past year was such a tough one, I can only pray Heavenly Father goes a little easier on me this year.  I do know I have my son’s 6^th grade graduation to look forward to.  His turning 12 will also be a big milestone.  I know I have earning my Master’s degree to look forward too.  But there is also much uncertainty about getting a job and whether I’ll have to choose between living closer to my family, or having my kids live with me.  I’ve also come to the firm conclusion to not set definite hopes about anything romantic.  I’ve seen many people post things about, this is the year I’m finding “the one” or this is the year I’m getting married.  But I’ve learned I can’t put a time frame on things like that.  I’ll either annoy Heavenly Father that I’m trying to tell Him how I think everything should be when I can’t see the big picture, or I’ll get frustrated by a lack of progress on those goals.  So I instead decided to make those long-term goals with no set time.  Yes, I do want to meet my knight and get married.  But I’m not going to worry so much about the when.  I’m going to instead focus on improving myself so that when we do meet, we’ll both know we’re ready and that it’s the right thing.

Happy New Year everyone!