Where I want to live when I grow up

Over the past 12 years, I’ve lived in a lot of places.  While I was married, we averaged a move a year.  Before the kids and I moved here for me to attend grad school, we lived in the same place for 5 years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere in Utah.  I seem to have inherited my dad’s itch to move to new places and see new things, although now that I’m single, moving is a lot more stressful.  In light of spending the better part of this week packing in order to move everything into storage while I’m in DC for a summer internship, today’s post is about my dream house.  

One of these days, I’m going to own my own house… one of the American dreams.  Although it’s one that has always been too far out of reach.  When I was married, I used to look at home plan magazines for ideas for the perfect floor plan.  My parents used to take us to the parade of homes, and although I haven’t been to any here in Utah, I have fond memories of perusing those fancy shmancy places I figured I’d never ever be able to afford.  From my dating experiences after my divorce, I’ve been able to look at things from a prospective husband’s point of view… and how housing a new family can put a strain on one’s brain.  And I’ve also learned a few things about what I personally like and don’t like in a house.  

When I was younger, I dreamed of a Cape Cod or Southern Colonial style home, two stories with huge bedrooms and plenty of bathrooms.  I sometimes thought of decorating each room with a different theme… Hispanic for one, Japanese for another, new age for another, one in all earthy colors, one red room (my favorite color), one in light blues and greens.  Or maybe have each room be a different season.  I’ve always wanted a wrap-around porch so you can sit in a rocking chair or porch swing enjoying the sunrise or sunset.  I dreamt of having a huge yard where the kids and all their friends could run around and play outside all day.  And I pictured myself joining them as often as I could.  I wanted big trees for the kids to climb, and maybe build a tree house with their dad.  I dreamt of a home with huge windows to let in the light, and neighbors far enough away for some privacy, but close enough for frequent visits and easy accessibility for the kids to play.  And after living in so many rentals, I can’t wait to have a place with no blinds!  I’d love to have beautiful drapes and curtains on all the windows.  

I picture a master bedroom with a master bathroom overlooking a beautiful nature scene, where I could relax in a garden Jacuzzi tub finding peace and solace from a busy day.  The colors would be in calming earthy tones.  I imagined a small room adjacent to our bedroom filled with books, a comfy chair, big window, and a good sound system.  A place where I could escape to no matter what mood I was in, a place that is just mine, to just be me and be alone with my thoughts.  On the other side of our bedroom is a nursery for any wee ones that might come along.

Upstairs would be the kids’ bedrooms and a couple of bathrooms.  There’d also be a play room where they could learn to share and get along with each other.  Each room would be decorated however the child likes.  In the basement would be a cold storage room for food storage.  There would also be an exercise room.  And on the main floor, a library and a music room.  The kitchen wouldn’t be too big, but big enough so the whole family could pitch in with cooking meals together.  I’ve always hoped my future knight would enjoy cooking more than me.  I don’t mind it, but it’s not my favorite thing to do.  There would be a little breakfast nook facing east, so I could enjoy chirping birds and beautiful sunrises.  The dining room would face, you guessed it, to the west so our family could enjoy sunsets while sharing dinner together.  The garage would be big enough to house our motorcycles, and have room for a workshop for my future knight to tinker around.  And, there would be an apartment above the garage not just to rent out to our kids once they got old enough, hee hee, but also to house anyone in need, a visiting family member, or whatever.

Now, this house would obviously probably be very expensive.  Especially after I add in the latest and greatest technology for being self-sustaining, like solar panels and recycling water.  I’d have a compost pile and a garden and fruit trees.  While a lot of the things I described are dreams of mine, I’ve also learned that less is most often more.  I’ve learned I don’t need a big huge house to be happy.  My kids and I currently live in tiny 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment, and while it would be nice for each of them to have their own room, and have my own bathroom, and a little space to call my own, we’re happy here.  Even when I can hear the neighbors upstairs or next door rocking and rolling in the bedroom, our apartment is nice and cozy.  It keeps us warm and safe from the elements, and I can clean the whole thing in a couple of hours.  

So the bottom line is, future knight, no matter where I live, I can be happy.  I don’t care how much money you make, as long as our needs are met.  I don’t care how big our house is, as long as we can call it home and feel safe and at peace.  As long as I don’t have to do all the cleaning, I’ll be content where ever we wind up.  Because as long as you love me forever, I’ll be the happiest little thing you’ve ever seen.   

Rain Rain Go Away...

It would seem Mother Nature is determined to give us more than enough rain and snow this year, and sitting here taking a break from packing in preparation to move everything into storage, I’ve been thinking about weather-related memories I have.  As you read today’s post, instead of complaining when the weather isn’t just what you’d hoped for, think back to the times when maybe you jumped in mud puddles, built a crooked snowman, or told ghost stories during a thunderstorm when the power was out.

Weather has been a part of my life since the day I was born.  My parents tell me they were worried they wouldn’t make it to the hospital in time before I was born because a snowstorm slowed them down.  Indeed, I have always loved snow.  Although, I think living in North Carolina for 10 years softened that love just a bit.

I was born in Reno, Nevada January 10, 1979.  According to Billboard, “Too Much Heaven” by the Bee Gees was the #1 song that week.  The highest grossing movie at the box office that month was “The Deer Hunter” at $50 million with Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep.  During the 10 years we lived in Nevada, I experienced a little bit of everything.  Snow, crazy thunderstorms, flooding, brush fires, drought and plenty of sunshine.  The mountains surrounding the two homes we lived in in Sparks were full of metal, attracting a lot of lightening each time we had a storm.  When I was younger, I didn’t like really loud noises including thunder and fireworks.  So each time we had a thunderstorm, I got reeeeaaallly scared.  My poor parents probably got woken up by me more often than the thunder itself.  To this day, I’m still not a fan of thunderstorms, and always wish I had someone to snuggle up with during one.  On the up side, though, my dad and I often went into the garage and watched storms from inside.  On one of these occasions, I remember eating an apple, and at about the same time I took a bite, a crack of thunder boomed, and a loose tooth popped out.  What kid doesn’t love losing a loose tooth?  

Because we lived in the desert, any time we got a substantial amount of rain at once, flooding usually followed.  One year in February, we missed 2 weeks of school because the basement of our school flooded.  I can also remember the year, in 4^th grade I think it was, my mom had to wade out into almost knee-deep water flooding our neighborhood to fetch me from the bus stop after school.  We sat upstairs on the second floor, watching the water rise about halfway up our sloped driveway.  I can remember worrying about my dad getting home safely and wondering why anyone didn’t get the sagebrush tumbleweeds out of the drains so our neighborhood wouldn’t flood.

I’m also not a big fan of high winds.  Most of the roofs in Nevada had wood shingles on them, and I always worried ours would catch on fire.  One year, before my brother was born, so I was younger than 8, a fire broke out on the far edge of our neighborhood.  Because of the high fire risk in our area, fire lanes went in between almost every row of houses, but fires were known to jump them, and we, along with the rest of the neighborhood, anxiously watched as the fire moved closer and closer.  I saw people spraying water on their roofs, and thought if not for the fire, we could have had a block party with all the people outside.  Wind took on a new dimension when we moved to North Carolina when I was 10.  That first fall, October 1989, Hurricane Hugo hit the Carolinas.  Thankfully, where we lived, the storm lost most of its strength by the time it got to us.  But I do remember looking out our apartment window, worried about the small tree in the front yard falling down.  I’d never been in a hurricane or tornado before.  I got plenty more chances while in NC.  Like the year I was in college at UNCG, working in the music library, which was thankfully in the basement of the music building.  Suddenly, everyone started flocking to our little library, as a tornado had been spotted down the road!  All of us tried to get under the few desks in the room, away from the stacks of music scores.  One of the girls I worked with had up a radar screen on a computer from the National Weather Service, trying to track the storm.   Yeah, I was a bit scared, but at the same time, it was so exciting and fun to have everyone huddled and scared.  While many of us were wishing we were with family, we all became each other’s family.  

We had quite a few snow storms in NV, so when we moved to NC, I really missed the snow.  I was in 5^th grade our first year there, and one day, we got sent home early from school because it was supposed to snow… but it never did.  When I was 17, we were out of school almost 2 weeks because of snow and ice.  We were without power for about two days, and we were the lucky ones.  But, trying to make the best of it, we enjoyed candle light dinners, snuggled under all the blankets we could find, and enjoyed no homework, although we were supposed to be studying for finals.  You’d think with all the times we got out of school for these storms, the school districts would go ahead and invest in bus chains.  Those ice storms could be brutal though.  I had to go to work once during an ice storm, and the 30 minute drive took me about 2 ½ hours.  I got so frazzled, I started crying and lost a contact lens.  This was during the days before cell phones, so my work and my parents were worried since I was always dependable.  Then there was the time I slid off the road coming home from work in an ice storm, but luckily it happened in my neighborhood.  My mom came and rescued me and from then on, I had to keep kitty litter in my trunk for just such an emergency.  The best ice storm, though, was the night I had gotten married.  My then husband, being from Utah and used to bad weather, and I decided to go see a movie, which amazingly was still open, and we had the entire theater to ourselves.  No, we didn’t do a lot of hanky panky… it was “Star Trek Insurrection”, after all.

Back in Utah, I’ve enjoyed all the snow… in its season!  The first February I was here, it snowed once a week all month and I was in heaven!  But, a few years ago, while going to Weber State University for my Bachelor’s, it snowed once and it took about 2 hours to get my car out of the snow, and out of the parking lot.  A big ‘ole SUV, a bunch of big strong guys, and I all tried digging out my car, and hauling it out the rest of the way.  Ironically, Don Queco and I figured out that he was probably helping dig people out on the other side of campus from where I was… this about a year or two before we met.  My little brother was super stoked when he and my parents came out for college graduation.  It was the beginning of May, and it snowed.  We once even got snow in June.  There was also that time I had to work Christmas night, when I was working overnights at the CBS Station in Salt Lake.  I was the 6am producer, and since it was Christmas night, there was no one to fill in.  The 20-30 minute drive took me two hours.  Since it was Christmas night, the snow plows weren’t really out, and there was at least 4-5 inches of snow on the freeway.  It was a lot of fun for the few of us out though… we were slipping and sliding all over the place like an ice rink, and making our very own tracks in the snow.  I’ve also had tons of fun making snowmen and snow angels and having snow ball fights with my kids.  That’s one of those reason why I love being a mom… it gives you an excuse to act like a kid.

So that just leaves earthquakes and volcanoes.  I’ve been in a few minor earthquakes, both in North Carolina and Utah, but they were never strong enough for me to really notice.  I gave a speech in an undergrad class about the threat of an earthquake here in Utah, and learned it’s not a matter of if, but when.  And the damage is likely to be significant because of a lack of earthquake fit buildings and the location of many houses, either on the mountain side, or too close to the lake where they could become victim to liquefaction.  However, I’m not really scared of earthquakes. If you were to ask me what kind of natural disaster I’m most scared of, I’d say volcanoes.  Remember the movie “Dante’s Peak”?  The movie scared the bejeezes out of me.  Just the idea of raging hot, acidic lava bearing down on me, burning me slowly to death, just doesn’t sit well with me.  I think I’d rather be swallowed up in a crack in the earth from an earthquake or knocked over the head by something in a tornado.  

So when people ask me whether I like living in the west or east better, I have to say I like both.  I miss the warm summer rains when I’d go outside with an umbrella, trying to not step on all the worms in North Carolina.  I love how gorgeous the Blue Ridge Parkway is in the Autumn, with plenty of warm fall and spring days.  But I’d also miss the snow and mountains in Utah and the lack of constant humidity.  It’s also nice not worrying about tornadoes here.  Well, except for the time a big tornado hit downtown Salt Lake City in the summer of ’99.  I thought I was back in NC!  So although I was almost literally born in the snow, I love all the seasons for different reasons.  I love when the weather finally warms up in the spring so we can go outside and feel the sunshine on our skin.  I love the heat in summer that makes falling off the wake skate and into the cold lake water feel heavenly.  And I love the slight chill in the air, football games, back-to-school, and the promise of the holidays approaching that fall brings.  And I can’t wait to hear about all the good memories my future knight has to tell related to crazy weather adventures!    

Set in Stone

I apologize it’s been a few days since my last blog, but I’ve needed time to process everything from last week, and I had a busy weekend planned.  Isn’t it funny how so often things we look forward to so much, don’t turn out as we expected and we often find ourselves disappointed?  That’s what happened to me this weekend… at first.  Now, looking at it, and spending some time reading my Ensign magazine this morning, I’m realizing that although the weekend didn’t go as I’d hoped, I learned a few valuable things that I might not have learned had the weekend gone as expected.

Before getting too far into a relationship with anyone, it’s vitally important to know a few things about them.  Such as what things are set in stone in the person’s life, as well as what things they are passionate about.  For example, some people are more content than others to just keep things the way they are.  They love their home, their job, the state they live in and don’t have any desire to change any of these things.  Others seem to perpetually be in a state of trying to find something better just around the corner.  They aren’t married to their job, home, or state of residence, and have no qualms with moving somewhere for a new job, love interest, or just because they want to try/experience something new.  Neither way of living is bad or better than another, it’s just a different perspective on life.  But if you try to match up two people who are on either end of this spectrum, it could pose some problems.  I found this out this weekend from someone who he and I were somewhat interested in each other, but glad we found this out now rather than down the road if we had become more involved.  

Other things set in stone could include personal values and ideals one has about dating and marriage.  Many people today believe living together before getting married is extremely important because how can you truly know someone, and whether you are compatible in all aspects of life if you don’t experience that first hand on a day by day basis?  I agree there could be some value in this.  However, my question is, isn’t this supporting a perfectionist ideal that will never happen, at least not in this life?  If you’re looking for the perfect one, you’re never going to find them.  So you’ll just wind up living with a bunch of people, maybe having babies out of wedlock, creating more complicated situations when the break up occurs as someone has to move out, etc.  

I am a firm believer that it’s important to date someone for a sufficient amount of time to really get to know them.  In a class I took, the teacher suggested it takes at least a year to really get to know someone, mostly because that’s how long it takes before someone completely lets their guard down around you.  And I definitely agree.  Both from my own experiences, and those of others, many (although not all) people who get married within a few months of meeting each other, wind up divorced.  Especially if they are on their 2^nd+ marriage.  I also strongly believe that both people need to go into the marriage not thinking that, well, if this doesn’t work out, we’ll just get divorced.  Both people should have a more realistic approach.  Such as, I know we’re going to have hard times, we’ll fight, we won’t always agree, we’ll get mad at each other, but, we love each other, and we will be patient, and work through whatever comes up… and most importantly, not give up!  If both people are committed to doing whatever it takes to make their marriage work, even in the rough times, they can do it.  

So you might ask, well, we should all be looking for the person who is set and committed to their home, job, and where they live, right?  Because they’ll be more likely to stay loyal in a relationship?  Here’s where things get tricky.  Because, no, not always.  And this is what can make dating and marriage so complicated.  There is no set formula.  There are no set prerequisites you can require from a future spouse.  As an example, I’m the type of person who likes to constantly be moving forward with my life, and if that means moving to a different state, or staying right where I am, I’m okay with that.  Yet, when it comes to relationships, I’m fiercely loyal and determined to work things out, perhaps because when I love someone, I give it my all, I put in 200% and need to find someone who does the same and doesn’t just throw in the towel when we hit the rapids.  Yet I don’t believe that living with someone is a good idea.  Not only from the reasons already mentioned, but also because my church leaders have strongly said that is not the way to go.  While I may change my life paths often, and I may even sometimes lose my way, I always return back to the values and standards of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  And that is set in stone for me.

I think sometimes we all may get beached though… or stuck in a rut.  Or we may find ourselves drifting in the ocean, not able to find our destination.  Continuously searching and searching, but we just can’t find what we’re looking for.  So here’s where the passion comes in.  We need to have values and standards we are passionate about.  So that when we do find ourselves stuck or lost, we can turn back to things that set us back on the right course.  For me, it’s the gospel of Jesus Christ.  As I already mentioned, sometimes I do lose my way… usually when I try to do everything on my own, without asking for help or guidance.  I may think that since my current way of doing things doesn’t seem to be working, maybe doing what the world suggests would bring me more happiness.  Sometimes it’s because I think Heavenly Father is sick of trying to help me and wants me to figure things out on my own, which I believe is the case sometimes, and is something we all need to do.  But sometimes I get going full speed ahead, and forget I still need Him, and that I can’t do everything alone.  Because ultimately, while I’m trying to figure out which turn to take to find my knight, only Heavenly Father knows the right path through the maze to get me to him.  And if I don’t listen, my knight and I will never meet, we could keep wondering around forever.  Yes, I’m going to take some wrong turns, but as I do, I’ll learn more about myself, about life, and about Heavenly Father’s plan.  Not only that, but when I do finally meet my knight, he’s going to receive a huge amount of appreciation from me, because it’s been a long hard journey to get to him.   

What about you?  Where are you at in your life right now?  Are you holding true to your values and standards?  Are you letting the world sway your resolve in doing what you believe is right?  How about you future knight?  Are you passionate about anything that brings you back safely to harbor when you get lost?  If not, find that.  Find what helps you to hold fast even when things are hard.  Whether it’s a church, a friend, a certain belief system, we all need someone/something to anchor us in a safe place.  Because let’s face it, the world can be a very confusing, contradictory place, easy to find ourselves lost and wondering what is right for me?  For my family?  For my future?  To my future knight, know that I will never sway from my religion, values or beliefs.  They are written on my heart.  I do get distracted sometimes, but I always return to what I hold dear.  And you know what, Heavenly Father loves all of us, and He won’t abandon us.  He might let go of our bicycle for a bit and let us ride on our own, and even fall sometimes, but He’ll always be there to heal our skinned knees.  Because He will always love us.  And that is something set in stone.  

Remember When...

I’ve been listening to Alan Jackson’s “Remember When” today, thinking of good memories from the past.  After racking my brain the past couple of days to understand my dream, I feel like I’ve finally emerged from a dark tunnel I’ve been traveling through the past few months.  Some things are finally making sense, and I’m realizing some things about myself that have haunted me for years now.  While I’m still not sure about everything, I’ll keep working at it.

In the mean-time, I wanted to share a few poems I wrote to or about Don Queco.  I know these will help me remember all the good times in years to come, as well as be grateful for all I experienced, felt, and learned.  If you’re reading this Don Queco, know that just as I wrote and said before, I love you.  Always have, and always will.  Thank you.

First Kiss                                                                                 7-1-09

From that first kiss

I knew I loved you.

You said it felt like

a first kiss…

replacing the last one-

the one that’s hard

to think about now.

It was perfect.

Short- but with

a lingering hold,

leaving warmth that will last

a lifetime.

I’ll never forget

that night

on my front porch.

I asked for it

with only my eyes,

not even realizing it.

You read it-

like a well-read novel.

You just knew.

Even though you

barely knew me.

A kiss full

of hope

for the future.

Feelings linger still-

even 6 months later…

that I’ve always

known you,

since the start of time.

Is that really possible?

I believe.

Who could have known

one simple, small kiss

could forever

change two lives-

healing the ache

from past betrayals,

and instilling

a hope

for a complete, unbroken

future.

Trilogy of Words                                                                                7-10-09

If I could say

just one thing,

it would be I love you.

Nothing else

passing my lips

would be more genuine

or more sincere

than I love you.

No words carry

as much weight

in my personal vocabulary.

I’ve waited so long

to hear them

said to me-

with just as much conviction

as I would humbly speak them.

For now, that trilogy

is locked away,

just waiting for you

to unlock them.

They push against

their safe

wanting to come out,

but they’ve had a long journey,

and have a long journey

still to travel.

Will my ears

ever hear these words again-

said both to me

and by me

but this time,

with someone

who truly means them?

BFF                                                                                                                 7-19-09

Stars and stripes

played in the background-

while fireworks of

every color, shape, and size

brought the sky

above our heads

to life.

Your confession

that I’m your best friend

initially hurt.

Because I want

so much more.

But as I thought,

I realized

being your best friend

is the best compliment

you could give me.

For that’s

how the best relationships start.

It’s the sure

foundation we need

if this is gonna last

forever.

It’s the building block

for a lasting love.

“Best friend”

means so much…

the one who’s always there,

they tell you exactly

what they think,

you can fight,

work it out,

and you’re still

best friends.

You know you can

depend on them.

They won’t turn

their back on you

or desert you

when you’re

going through a trial.

They forgive and forget

and move on.

They know you

as good as you know you.

so, thank you

for calling me

your best friend.

You’re mine too.

            BFF! 

Goodbye Don Queco                                                                                               10-3-09

No matter where life takes us,

no matter what joys or sorrows we have yet to face,

no matter who you marry,

know this-

I will never forget you.

You’ll always have a place in my heart,

reserved just for you,

that will never fade with time,

that will live on,

as long as my spirit.

I pray for you everyday

and will continue.

I pray you’ll find peace.

and someday-

when that woman comes along,

the one you’ll give your whole heart to,

I pray you’ll be ready

and you’ll know

that pure unselfish love

that lasts forever.

Best of luck

may God be with you.

I will always be your-

            Amanda