Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, GOOD-BYE

Something wonderful has happened to me recently.  Actually, a few wonderful things.  Things that were stressing me out are working themselves out (always a good feeling), but even more, I’ve met the most amazing guy.  He shall hereafter be referred to as Kermit.  As I was describing him to Kerrian tonight, who knows me better than anyone on the planet, he said, I think you’re gonna marry this guy.  I said, what?  I was thinking I haven’t known him long enough.  I said, why do you think that?  He said, I have this feeling in my gut.  He seems like the perfect guy for you.  Later he said, I’m not sure if I should be jealous or not.

 

So while I’m enjoying those crazy good butterflies, keep day dreaming about him at work, and am basking in his adoration, affection, and consideration, this is usually about the time my deepest insecurities rear their ugly head.  And as I’m sure Edward would attest, it ain’t pretty. 

 

I was sitting on the floor tonight folding nice clean laundry, taking a break from writing my hundredth draft of my thesis (that’s an exaggeration, but it sure feels like I’ve written this stupid thesis at least a hundred times) when a few powerful things came over me. Normally, I’m a confident, happy, laid-back, happy-go-lucky woman.  Intense and emotional at times, yes, but still an all-around cool person.  And then when I get in a relationship, this totally different woman takes over.  Ya know, that woman who starts to worry when he doesn’t text a reply, or respond to an IM.  She wonders if she said or did something to make him mad and change his mind about her.  That annoying person who starts to doubt who she is and how amazing she is, who starts making comments that belittle herself.  In an effort of making sure she puts “everything out there” so he can decide early on if he really wants to go forward goes a little to the extreme.  And then there’s the up and down emotions of happy and confident peeking out, and then insecure and scared present more often.

Well, you know what?  I’m sick of that woman!  That’s not the woman I want to be!  I don’t like feeling that way or being that way.  She would tell me, well then why are you dating again, just stop and then you won’t have to worry about  it.  I’d respond to her, you know why I keep trying, despite the possibility of things not working out and of getting my heart broken again?  Because deep down inside me, deeper than anything she could convince me of, rooted in my breast, is the deep desire to hope- hope to find love, to love someone and be loved.  And if I don’t grab onto that hope, and kick her out, I never will find love- a lasting love.

So, I’m kicking her to the curb!  Be gone!  There’s no more room in my head, heart, or life for you.  I am woman, hear me roar!  Look at everything I’ve accomplished in my life.  I know God loves me.  I know I’m beautiful, healthy, smart, and have a bright future ahead of me.  I know there are many more good things about me than bad.  I’ve gotten my heart broken before and not only survived, but learned great lessons from each one.  So if he doesn’t text, so what?  I’m sure he’s busy, and that’s okay.  We’ll talk later.  If I said something that offended him, if he doesn’t have the balls to come talk to me about it so we can work it out, we probably shouldn’t be together.  Despite being hurt a lot in the past, I’m really pretty dang tough.  I can handle it.  I’m going to say or do the wrong thing sometimes.  I might do something that makes you shake your head and wonder what the heck?  And I’m going to make mistakes.  That doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of being loved.  It means I’m human.  And that’s okay.  

I think I’ve finally learned my lesson.  What a liberating feeling!  I am worth it.  I don’t need to worry or stress about anything.  If it works out, awesome, if not, that’s okay too.  But if it doesn’t, he’ll be losing the best thing that ever happened to him… just as I’m sure Edward, Don Queco, and Kerrian would all tell him.  And for the record, I really hope it does work out this time.  There are things about Kermit I’ve never found before in a guy- things I didn’t even know I needed.  As he said, we just “fit”.