No Looking Back

Mount Sodom

Throughout history, people have suffered negative consequences for looking back.  Lot’s wife looked back at the smoldering Sodom and Gomorrah and turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26).  Lot and his two daughters afterwards went and hid in a cave.

But not everyone reacts this way to never looking back.  Look at Rose in Titanic.  She lost her beloved Jack, and instead of giving in to sadness, she keeps her promise and moves on her with life, never looking back, and yet always holding Jack locked away in her heart to the very end.

So the question arises, how does one strike this balance?  Luke reports Christ’s warning that no man, putting his hand to the plow and looking back is fit for the kingdom of God (Luke 9:62).  I’ve always taken this to mean that you put your bad habits, sins, weaknesses behind you in an effort to become more like Christ.  Once you’ve chosen that path, there’s no looking back.

U2 Concert May 2011

Unfortunately for me, there have been times in my life where some of the best experiences of my life were intimately entwined in mistakes.  This trains my brain to associate doing something wrong with something that is also good.  With the kids gone for the summer, a steady job in hand, I have more time to think.  I admit I’ve been extremely nostalgic the past few weeks.  I fondly thought of the U2 concert that began my amazing summer last year when that anniversary hit.  On the anniversary of my arrival in DC, my mind was flooded with memories of those first few days.  I am grateful my mind tends to focus on good memories.  Last summer was perhaps the best I’d had in years.  And now I find myself missing everything about that summer- pains, joys, love, heartbreak and all.

Today, I was able to put some things to rest about last summer as Edward and I talked.  I’ve been finding myself increasingly melancholy and acutely aware of my loneliness over the past couple weeks.  After getting off the phone with Edward today, I felt like a huge burst of sunlight and warmth had infused my entire body.  It was a good feeling.  But, as is always the case, my mind went back to those memories from last summer.  And the reality quickly sunk in- that Edward is that- memories from the past.  A long-lasting friendship is assured for the future.  But the reality is, I’m still alone.  He and I have both been feeling the realization of how good it was to have each other around last summer.  How much of a difference it made.  Despite the hard times.  But we both left on a jet plane.  And I may never be back again.

So here lies the wisdom in learning how to not look back.  We have so many memories that bring us joy as we remember the good times.  Yet at the same time, they can bring us pain.  I may not turn to a pillar of salt for running Edward and I’s first kiss through my mind over and over.  Or the night he was there with me when a creepy guy stopped us on the street asking for money.  But if I don’t learn to stop looking back, it could mean going through that heartbreak all over again.  Because we are creatures of emotion.  We want to be loved.  We want someone there to hold us when tears fall down our cheeks.  And when we remember times when someone has been there for us, loved us, cared for us, and we remember we are alone now when we really want/need to feel loved and cared about, it’s just plain hard.  We can’t help but want to go back to that time again.  I’d almost rather become a pillar of salt in order to not feel those pains again- the re-tearing of a wound that was finally on the mend.