Survival Mode

It goes without saying that each of us go through difficult times.  And I’m not talking about when money is tight (because when is it not tight?) or when all of your nice clothes either don’t fit or have a strange stain or even when some weird prank caller keeps calling to ask if your refrigerator is running.  I mean those times where you feel like everything is out of your control, you are completely overwhelmed, and you switch into survival mode.

This survival mode is different for each of us, and I have a theory that it changes and adapts as we “grow up”.  Some people are able to more constructively deal with the crisis stage while others get worse.  Sometimes, though, I think all of us have a complete communication crisis where everything shuts down.  Now, you could head to the FEMA website and take a self-paced course on crisis communication.  Or you could learn from those around you via observation.  Personally, I’d much rather learn from others than read a dry online manual.

So, allow me to share with you what I’ve been going through.  This summer, I learned a new way of dealing with things.  Or rather, I think after observing this particular behavior more than once now, it sunk in that perhaps I could adapt this methodology and it would be more effective at helping me deal with emotional crises.  This method includes “toughening up” “not letting things get to you” and “shutting things out”.  This, I believe, is similar to a military tactic of learning how to separate yourself in different situations.  There is the side that is nice, kind, compassionate, giving and loving, and then there is the side of you that doesn’t care about anything or anyone, it’s just about survival of the fittest.  I’m not saying you have to split your soul like Lord Voldemort, however.  

Eventually, the survival tactic of shutting out all the things that might hurt you- whether that be emotional, physical, spiritual, etc., start bleeding over into other areas of your life, those that you don’t need to protect.  You start seeing everyone and everything as a potential threat.  Even people who are trying to help you.  By this point though, you figure you’re on this course and there’s no turning back- it’s too late.

Without wanting to go into too much detail, I’ve been experiencing this survival mode the past couple of months.  But it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m starting to push people away who really genuinely care about me, and people who I truly care about.  Case in point, let me introduce you to Kerrian (remember, I change everyone’s name).  I’ve known him for a total of 14 years now.  We met my first year of college and we dated for a couple of months.  We lost touch when he went into the military and I got married.  But, we got back in touch almost two years ago (see, Facebook is useful sometimes).   

Looking back over this time since we reconnected, I can see that more than anyone I’ve known… ever… he is my best friend.  I’ve told him things I haven’t dared tell anyone.  I’ve revealed the inner workings of my head (which I think often gets pretty scary) and through it all, not once has he run away screaming and wailing.  Although this has been very good for me, it also makes me very vulnerable.  Over the past couple of months in particular, I’ve been seeing this vulnerability as an increasing liability.  This fear culminated this weekend when I completely shut him out and told him we shouldn’t talk much anymore because I need to focus on school.  Although partially true, because I have been overwhelmed with school, the truth is, I just pushed away my best friend.  And I’ve always been a strong proponent for everyone needing a best friend.  I always tell people, I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, and I always mean it!  But I forgot about me.  I need a best friend too.

Sitting here writing this, I know he’s online right now and I could so easily start chatting with him.  But I have this picture in my head of a dog with its tail between its legs, looking up with puppy dog sad eyes asking for forgiveness.  And I think I’m too stubborn (or maybe too prideful?) to do that.  I’ve dug myself into such a hole now that I feel like there’s no rope long enough to dig back out.  And then two thoughts hit me (while I’m supposed to be reading a scholarly journal article and writing an abstract for class tomorrow).

First of all, the only time I get crazy like this with going back and forth and pushing a man away (because I’m scared of getting hurt) and then a couple days later wanting to go back and start over, is when I love someone.  Really truly love them.  I get so scared it causes me to act like an idiot and push them away because deep inside, I’m afraid they’ll do the same thing every other man has… abandon me.  And I’m sick of it.  After what happened this summer with Edward, which I think was the last straw, I just cannot put myself through that hurt again.  Look at what it’s done to me.  I’m mentally turning into a Navy Seal.

The second thing I realized…well, really, I realized two things involving Don Queco.  The first is that I’m doing the same thing to Kerrian that Don Queco did to me.  He’d push me away (because he was scared of getting hurt or of hurting me) and then always start talking to me after a couple days.  Because ultimately, he loved me and didn’t want to lose me.  And now I’m starting to do the same thing to Kerrian.  I hated it with a passion every time Don Queco did that to me.  It hurt me every time.  And I don’t want to do that to Kerrian.  I don’t know if I can not do that.  I’ve been hurt so much, and am in such a frame of mind right now, I just don’t know.  And hurting him is the last thing I want to do.  Secondly, I have learned empathy for Don Queco.  I understand now why he did the things he did.  He was depressed and scared and kept pushing everything and everyone good in his life away.  He was afraid it would all get taken away despite anything he could do.  And he didn’t want to hurt anymore.  I get it now.

I think this takes me one step deeper in forgiving Don Queco.  I’m also hoping this is a wake-up call to me to start digging myself out of this mental abyss.  I don’t want to do to Kerrian what Don Queco did to me.  Nor do I want to lose someone good.  But I’m still scared.  I need to overcome that fear and remember how to live by faith.  Maybe, if I’m lucky, he’ll forgive me and give me another chance?  I suppose I can only ask his forgiveness and know whatever happens, happens.  I love you.  Please forgive me.