11-11-11

I’d like to apologize, as I’ve been MIA for the past month.  It’s been a difficult time for me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.  But I believe yesterday was a turning point for me.

Everyone has been buzzing about 11-11-11 being a lucky day for a few months.  People were getting married, hoping their babies would be born, and celebrating an important holiday here in the U.S. – Veterans’ Day.  I went to bed last night thinking, well, it wasn’t anything special for me, just another day.  But I was wrong.  I think it was finally a tipping point for me.

So what was I doing at 11:11 PM last night?  Reading scriptures, all of which were in 11^th chapters and 11^th verses.  This was somewhat in preparation for a talk I needed to start preparing to give in church tomorrow on scriptures.  All of the verses I read were about different things… except two.  Those two talked about relationships and marriage.  Over the past few months, I’ve become quite hardened to the idea of my ever marrying again.  This was probably why I deleted my blog for a month.  I felt why should I be writing this to someone who doesn’t exist?  I decided my knight didn’t exist.  I thought, there is no one out there who could love and accept me, flaws and all, and not either abandon me or die.  So I gave up.

At first, I felt some relief that I could just not worry about the issue anymore.  But as time passed, I became more discouraged and distant from my Father in Heaven.  I had hardened my heart to any possibility of finding my knight.

Then last night, at a birthday party for a fellow grad student, I watched an engaged couple (another of my fellow grad students with her man) and marveled that it was even possible.  In our troubled world, and as I learned more in school about human nature and the great hurdles in being able to understand anyone because we all have such different life experiences, the idea that any two people could fall in love… and stay together… seemed like a pipe dream in my mind.  My fellow grad student has talked about stresses and struggles related to her impending marriage, but last night, they were just so happy.  Their love and acceptance for each other were evident in the way they looked at each other.  And she’s also expressed a lot of peace in knowing this is the right thing.  I suppose I have a cynical attitude because I thought marrying my ex was the right thing to do, and it was, but look where I ended up.  Alone, cynical, battling feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts that I’ll never be loved and not abandoned.  The idea that something so wonderful as being married to someone forever is just a completely foreign and seemingly unattainable concept for me.

Yet, I have felt my heart softening a bit over the last couple weeks.  And today, as I was preparing for my talk, I read of experiences in my journals where I had found comfort, strength, and peace during times of trouble by reading my scriptures.  Looking back over the past 13 years, I’ve gone through a lot of junk.  But finding solace in scripture reading has always kept me going.  Somehow, someway, I reached down to the depths of my soul and pulled out enough strength to keep going… even if it was just to put one foot in front of the other, tears streaming down my cheeks and blurring my way.

I still feel like I have light years to go before getting back to the place of hope and faith I once sat at.  I still don’t know if I’ll ever make it back, if I’m strong enough.  But I do know I have a place to turn to if I need help- my scriptures.  They are my best friend.  And through them, my Heavenly Father can help me find my way back.