Swim, Bike, Run, Pray #2: 48 days until St. George 70.3

What is it that keeps some people pushing through a tough workout, or a difficult race, while others give up? What is it that keeps many who have depression going from one day to the next, fighting mists of darkness, while others can’t?

I’ve sent up a lot of prayers this past week. Not just for myself and my family, but for a lot of other people too. I read quite a few posts from people struggling with a myriad of things. Often, I don’t know what to say to try and comfort them. At my lowest point this week, when I was ready to give up fighting, someone asked what I wanted them to do. I responded, “Nothing. You can’t help me. No one can.”

For the first time ever this week, I had no desire to train or race. None. I’ve never felt that before. Triathlon has always been the one constant in my life. When that disappeared, I felt completely lost and hopeless.

I had tests this week – a swim test, bike FTP test, and run test. There were good and bad points to each. I tried to focus on the good. Even though I didn’t feel it. “Fake it till you become it.”

• Swim test – my 400-yard test was 13 seconds faster than last year. My 200 was a few seconds slower, but the average speed was more consistent. This means I didn’t go out too hard on the 1^st 100, and die on the 2^nd 100.
• Bike test – my FTP was better than the last test. I went from 180 watts a year ago to 162 four months ago, 142 two months ago, 151 this week. I’ve been trying to figure out what happened. I’ve come to the conclusion that my power peaked after consistently doing strength training twice a week. When I stopped doing strength training, I lost the physical and mental strength I’d built up.
• Run test – this was probably the slowest one yet. But, I ran outside and had headwinds along one side of the track. Considering my slow runs lately (11-12 min/mile on longer runs), running 2 miles in 17:03, or about an 8:32 average pace was good. Then when I ran during my brick yesterday, I ran 50 minutes at a 10:17 pace – way faster than I’ve been doing. Yes, my heart rate was higher, but I felt good. And I had a 3-minute negative split, which I haven’t achieved for a while either.

What causes someone to give up in an Ironman race while others find the strength to push on and finish? What makes the difference between someone who chooses to end their life, and someone who doesn’t? Many of us who suffer from depression go to that darkest of dark places. So what makes the difference? Why don’t we all kill ourselves? The ones who lose the battle aren’t any more or less righteous or strong than us. They are good people. Amazing people with talents, skills, and people who love and care about them. They don’t want to hurt others.

I know that as long as we are doing all that we can – and that is different for everyone – that’s all we need to do. Heavenly Father won’t expect more than we can do. For me, that means reading my scriptures daily, going to church weekly, engaging in fasting and prayer once a month, attending the temple at least once a month, and praying morning, noon, and night. When I start to slip on any of those, it’s harder to push through the darkness.

Now the parallel to triathlon training. Depression affects all aspects of our lives. I’ve said before that an Ironman is 80% mental, 20% training. Depression affects your mental strength more than anything. There is a constant barrage of “you can’t do this”, “you’re too slow”, “you’re too weak” in any triathlete’s mind. But for someone with depression, add in shame statements like “you’re a horrible person”, “you’re a fraud, you can’t do this”, “you don’t deserve to accomplish something great like this, because you aren’t great”. If you truly believe some of those things about yourself, it makes it nearly impossible to accomplish your triathlon goals. It makes it hard to even want to try.

Just like the spiritual side of my life, I have to consistently do the little things in my triathlon training. Doing all my workouts, eating as healthy as I can, taking a short break when I need to, strength training, and mental exercises. For example, during my run test, as soon as a negative thought started, I shouted, NO (inside my head… I didn’t want any of the track team thinking something was wrong with me), and I wouldn’t allow myself to continue the thought. That helped me keep pushing through 2 miles, and then the full 20 minutes.

It’s hard. I can’t always do that. In fact, lately, I haven’t been able to stop the negative thoughts at all. I think this is what scares me about depression the most. Some days, I can’t yell at the negative thoughts and stop them. Sometimes I can’t rise above the wall of negativity and darkness in my mind. Other days, I can, sometimes with very little trouble. So what makes the difference?

I think it all boils down to consistency. Consistent training means succeeding at your race. Consistently filling your mind with positive, spiritual things will protect you from completely giving

up and pulling the trigger, downing the pills, wrecking your car, cutting, etc. At least I hope this is how it works. Otherwise, who’s to say I won’t give up one day when things get especially dark? I have to hope that this plan will work… it’s all I’ve got.