Swim, Bike, Run, Pray #3: Icebreaker Triathlon

Man, what a tough week! Depression hit me hard and for most of the week, I had no desire to swim, bike, run, or do much of anything except cry. Or sit with a blank stare on my face. Yeah, it was a tough week.

But I survived, and competed in yesterday’s Icebreaker Triathlon. This is the 4^th year I’ve done this race, but the first year I wondered if someone would actually have to chip ice off of me after crossing the finish line! Temps were in the mid-30’s, party cloudy, and it had snowed in some areas the night before. But, as usual, when that adrenaline got going, I barely noticed. I think having gloves and a hat also helped keep me warm.

Here’s how it went:

Swim – I don’t think I’ve ever had a faster swim. I looked down at my watch a little after getting out of the water and saw 6:40. So I probably swam the 300 meters in 6:30. That’s a 2:10/100m average which is super fast for me for a race. Everyone was on top of each other, so I pushed myself trying to get though the log jams and keep people from jamming up behind me. Great prep for open water swims this year.

Bike – I tried to take it a little easier on the bike this year so I could have a faster run, but I think the cold slowed me down a bit. Then on the 2^nd loop, my chain came off switching from the small to big ring. This is something I’ve always had trouble with on this bike. I have to get it fixed before St. George as there will be lots of hills! So I lost at least a couple of minutes on the bike trying to get my chain back on.

Run – I think this might have been the first year I didn’t stop to

walk up the hills. I’m sure I was going slow, but I didn’t stop. Then coming back down, I felt good and strong – also something that doesn’t usually happen for me, so I turned up the speed, averaged around an 8:20-8:30 pace the last mile and got my fastest run time ever on that course… by about 40 seconds. That was a great feeling.

My overall time was fairly slow, but I had two wins – fast swim and run. I’ve learned from this race and one other time when this happened, that even though I know I can push harder on the bike than I did, I have to save some for the run. Because if my run goes well, I feel good about my race overall. So I think this will be my strategy for St. George. Push hard on the swim, go hard but not as hard as I know I can on the bike, then go all out and have a great run.

At the Salt Lake Tri Club kick-off party last night, we heard from Matt Fitzgerald. The thing I took away from it was: we are limited only by what we think we can or can’t do. Going faster or longer is mostly in our heads. Sure, there is some scientific evidence to show that genes, weight, nutrition, muscle mass, and training all contribute to our performance, but when it comes down to it, we are capable of much more than we think.

He offered 5 suggestions for getting past that mental wall. 

1. Set 50/50 goals. 
2. Exploit the group effect. 
3. Practice feel good training. 
4. Brace yourself. 
5. Thinking helpfully. 

If you want to know more about what these are, you can check out his book, How Bad Do You Want It? This is actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. This is my 4^th season doing triathlon. Why aren’t I a lot faster than I was back then? I’ve wondered if it could be stress, my heart (former SVT problems), depression, nutrition (and blood sugar problems), weight gain, or lack of strength training holding me back. But I think it’s my mind. I have to convince myself that I can go faster. And then embrace the hurt and fatigue.

My next race is St. George 70.3. The big one. Only 5 weeks, 5 days left. I’ve put in a lot of training. Besides being consistent these last 5 weeks, my biggest challenge is to retrain my mind to embrace the suck and believe in myself that I can and will do well in this race. And believe that I can go harder and faster than I’ve thought I could – at least on the swim and run. Most of all, I just want to enjoy the experience. That’s my goal.

Happy training!

Swim, Bike, Run, Pray #2: 48 days until St. George 70.3

What is it that keeps some people pushing through a tough workout, or a difficult race, while others give up? What is it that keeps many who have depression going from one day to the next, fighting mists of darkness, while others can’t?

I’ve sent up a lot of prayers this past week. Not just for myself and my family, but for a lot of other people too. I read quite a few posts from people struggling with a myriad of things. Often, I don’t know what to say to try and comfort them. At my lowest point this week, when I was ready to give up fighting, someone asked what I wanted them to do. I responded, “Nothing. You can’t help me. No one can.”

For the first time ever this week, I had no desire to train or race. None. I’ve never felt that before. Triathlon has always been the one constant in my life. When that disappeared, I felt completely lost and hopeless.

I had tests this week – a swim test, bike FTP test, and run test. There were good and bad points to each. I tried to focus on the good. Even though I didn’t feel it. “Fake it till you become it.”

• Swim test – my 400-yard test was 13 seconds faster than last year. My 200 was a few seconds slower, but the average speed was more consistent. This means I didn’t go out too hard on the 1^st 100, and die on the 2^nd 100.
• Bike test – my FTP was better than the last test. I went from 180 watts a year ago to 162 four months ago, 142 two months ago, 151 this week. I’ve been trying to figure out what happened. I’ve come to the conclusion that my power peaked after consistently doing strength training twice a week. When I stopped doing strength training, I lost the physical and mental strength I’d built up.
• Run test – this was probably the slowest one yet. But, I ran outside and had headwinds along one side of the track. Considering my slow runs lately (11-12 min/mile on longer runs), running 2 miles in 17:03, or about an 8:32 average pace was good. Then when I ran during my brick yesterday, I ran 50 minutes at a 10:17 pace – way faster than I’ve been doing. Yes, my heart rate was higher, but I felt good. And I had a 3-minute negative split, which I haven’t achieved for a while either.

What causes someone to give up in an Ironman race while others find the strength to push on and finish? What makes the difference between someone who chooses to end their life, and someone who doesn’t? Many of us who suffer from depression go to that darkest of dark places. So what makes the difference? Why don’t we all kill ourselves? The ones who lose the battle aren’t any more or less righteous or strong than us. They are good people. Amazing people with talents, skills, and people who love and care about them. They don’t want to hurt others.

I know that as long as we are doing all that we can – and that is different for everyone – that’s all we need to do. Heavenly Father won’t expect more than we can do. For me, that means reading my scriptures daily, going to church weekly, engaging in fasting and prayer once a month, attending the temple at least once a month, and praying morning, noon, and night. When I start to slip on any of those, it’s harder to push through the darkness.

Now the parallel to triathlon training. Depression affects all aspects of our lives. I’ve said before that an Ironman is 80% mental, 20% training. Depression affects your mental strength more than anything. There is a constant barrage of “you can’t do this”, “you’re too slow”, “you’re too weak” in any triathlete’s mind. But for someone with depression, add in shame statements like “you’re a horrible person”, “you’re a fraud, you can’t do this”, “you don’t deserve to accomplish something great like this, because you aren’t great”. If you truly believe some of those things about yourself, it makes it nearly impossible to accomplish your triathlon goals. It makes it hard to even want to try.

Just like the spiritual side of my life, I have to consistently do the little things in my triathlon training. Doing all my workouts, eating as healthy as I can, taking a short break when I need to, strength training, and mental exercises. For example, during my run test, as soon as a negative thought started, I shouted, NO (inside my head… I didn’t want any of the track team thinking something was wrong with me), and I wouldn’t allow myself to continue the thought. That helped me keep pushing through 2 miles, and then the full 20 minutes.

It’s hard. I can’t always do that. In fact, lately, I haven’t been able to stop the negative thoughts at all. I think this is what scares me about depression the most. Some days, I can’t yell at the negative thoughts and stop them. Sometimes I can’t rise above the wall of negativity and darkness in my mind. Other days, I can, sometimes with very little trouble. So what makes the difference?

I think it all boils down to consistency. Consistent training means succeeding at your race. Consistently filling your mind with positive, spiritual things will protect you from completely giving

up and pulling the trigger, downing the pills, wrecking your car, cutting, etc. At least I hope this is how it works. Otherwise, who’s to say I won’t give up one day when things get especially dark? I have to hope that this plan will work… it’s all I’ve got.

Swim, Bike, Run, Pray #1: March Madness Half Marathon, Woods Cross, UT 3-5-16

Welcome to my first Swim, Bike, Run, Pray episode for 2016!

I had a plan for this race. Don’t run too fast, keep my heart rate in zone 2 (149-159 bpm), and just enjoy the journey. This meant I’d probably be running around an 11 minute/mile pace, but I was ok with that. I just wanted to enjoy the race! My A race is St. George Half Ironman, so this race was just to warm up my race-brain.

I laid out my plan to a friend, full of excitement for the start of my race season. They commented, man, you’ve been training so much, I bet you could do 8:50/min miles on the way out and 9:10/minute miles on the way back. You could break that 2 hour barrier!

I replied that I hadn’t been training that fast for longer distances. Sure I could do a 7:50 pace for three minute intervals. But to keep my heart rate low, I had to run slower. And if my heart rate got too high, I didn’t think I’d enjoy the race.

As I toed the line, my head was already racing. Did I have it in me to go that fast for that long, especially when I wasn’t training that fast? Sure, I’d put in the time, but not that pacing. Was it all just in my head? Was I holding myself back by simply not believing in myself? Was my fast heart rate in my head? Or my belief that I couldn’t run faster longer when my heart rate was 180+? Was it my lack of mental strength that held me back? I really began doubting myself, my abilities, my mental strength, and my plan for this race.

Off we went. Very quickly, my heart rate got up to 170, even going about a 10:30 pace. I kept trying to dial it down, but the competitive spirit in me didn’t want my time to be too slow. Two miles in, I was already feeling tired, and my heart kept inching up to 180. At around 3 miles, I passed a few people who had started out too fast, and I figured, okay if I can keep this pace, around 10 minute miles, I’ll be just fine. But now my heart was inching closer to 190.

I consciously tried to keep giving myself a little nutrition along the way, more often than I have during training. I’d even had plenty of fuel in the few hours leading up to the race. I was hoping to keep my energy levels up, which I still struggle with in longer races. But 5 miles in, I knew this would be no pr for me. I was tired. And even trying to slow down to an 11+ min pace didn’t slow my heart down below about 177. What was wrong with me?

The week before, I’d run 11 miles at just under an 11 min pace while keeping my hr in zone 2. Piece of cake. Earlier in the week, Garmin told me I achieved a V02 Max of 43 during a training run. It was a brick run where I ran a sub 10:30 pace for 30 minutes following an hour 15 min bike and for the first time ever, felt like the run was easy as pie. Why I couldn’t I do that now?

I tried everything I could think of to force out the negative voices in my head. I listened intently to my music, tried to keep up or catch up with the runners in front of me, enjoyed the frogs and crickets I heard along various sections of the trail. I looked around my surroundings. Thought about how grateful I was that I could run a half marathon in the first place.

No matter how hard I tried, the pre-race conversation kept creeping back and I got more tired, and more defeated. The last 2 miles were really hard. My quads were burning, feet and hamstrings hurting, and I began the jog/walk cycle. I was done. I failed to accomplish my race goals – both my original plan, and the new plan my buddy was certain I could achieve.

When I crossed the finish line, I made the decision to not be mad, but to take responsibility for myself and the fact that I let someone else’s comments make me doubt my plan. Regardless of what I can or can’t do, whether it’s mental weakness, or physical limitations, I have to do what I feel good about. No one else lives inside my body. Or my head. The past few months have been difficult for me – both in the sleep department and the depression department. I need to be celebrating the fact that I’m still alive. I’m 37 years old now, a size 4 or 6, and running a half marathon. I’m training for a Half Ironman. Many women my age are experiencing more health problems, are a size 14, and couldn’t even run a 5k.

Positive things from the race:

1. My heart rate strap, which can sometimes cut my skin, didn’t irritate it at all.

2. No blisters… and it was my longest run in my new Altra Intuition 3.5s, which I’d been breaking in for a few weeks.

3. The weather was really nice for early March in Utah… and I was spending time outside, which is where I’d rather be almost anytime.

Gospel parallels:

     1. At times during my race, I felt a brief surge of energy. Those times were awesome and made me feel happy. But overall, I felt weak, tired, and downtrodden. Eating something kept me going during the tough times.

              a. During life, we have surges of energy when we feel happy, strong, and confident. Those don’t always last a long time. More often than not, we might feel tired, weak, and overwhelmed. So we have to keep nourishing our spirits, our physical bodies, and our minds. Regular spiritual worship, self care, healthy foods, and engaging in learning opportunities are all important things to keep us going. They may not make us feel immediately stronger or better, but it adds up over time. And if we don’t do those things, just like in the race, if I didn’t eat anything or drink anything, I know I would be much more tired, sick, and it would take longer to recover.

      2. When I was about a half mile from the finish line, I could make out the cars in the parking lot where I knew the finish line was, but I couldn’t see the finish line. I really wanted to just walk the rest of the way, but I knew it would take that much longer to finish. I’d be prolonging my misery. So even though my legs were so tired, I just kept shuffling along.

              a. When we’re experiencing a trial, we may be able to see that we’re near the end, but we can’t see the end of it. It’s hard to keep pushing on. Yea, we’re almost there, and maybe we can just take it easy, but it’ll take that much longer, and be more miserable if we delay. Sometimes we delay our progress by thinking we can do it on our own. I mean, how much faster would I have gone if my coach or hubby or kids were there cheering encouragingly for me that last half mile? Probably a lot faster. Talk to people. Let them know what you’re going through, even if the trial is almost over. There are people who love you and want to see you succeed. Most of all, call on our Father in Heaven. More than anyone, He knows the struggle you’ve been through. He, and our advocate, Jesus Christ, get it. They know how hard it is, and they love us so much. They don’t want to see us in pain, and they are there, ready to help us through it. Even if they don’t speed up the process, they’ll help us carry the burden until the trial is over. All we have to do is ask.

My final parting words for this entry are, don’t give up. Stick with your plan, and then re-evaluate afterwards. Things are going to be harder than you thought they would sometimes, but don’t quit. You may have to adjust your long-term goals. But learn from the short-term experiences that will ultimately build to where you need to be in life.

Have a good week!