2015 Race year in Review

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. 7 months actually. It’s been a rewarding but challenging year. I stood on the podium more this year than the previous 2 years combined. I met my goal of making it to USAT Age Group Nationals. I accomplished my goals there of not finishing last in my age group and breaking 3 hours for an Olympic distance – a first. I even accomplished something by surprise – placing third overall for the women at Camp Yuba triathlon. I’m still amazed that I did all this. Three years ago I was just learning how to swim.

So why do I still feel so bad?

My biggest accomplishment this year wasn’t doing all those things, although they are all incredible achievements that many people I know couldn’t do (at least not without all the training I put into it this year). I traveled to some beautiful places. Met new people. Improved my bike speed a lot. I worked hard, and it paid off.

Yet I still feel like nobody special.

My biggest accomplishment was staring down depression and telling it shut the heck up when it told me I couldn’t do any of those things. It was getting up at 4:30am every morning to train even when I wanted to lay in bed and escape to dreamworld, hoping to feel better. It was conquering death, to live another day. All those races where I started to think about how slow I still was compared to so many others – I had to force those thoughts away and focus on my beautiful surroundings. Every tear, every discouragement, and every hurtful word I uttered to myself – I had to push past it and keep going. I did so much this year to fight my own mind.

But today, I sit here, wondering who I am.

What is my purpose? Have I really helped anyone? My kids? My spouse? Myself? I barely recognize myself from who I was about 5 years ago. I’m quiet, closed off, afraid to talk to people, afraid even to write this. I used to pride myself on being an open book. That’s not me anymore. And I miss that Mandy. I’d love to go back to her. I’ve had a few glimpses of her the past couple of months, but she always gets shut down again. And the ever-present burden of not liking who I am anymore shuts my mouth, for fear of being harshly judged.

I may be stronger and faster physically, but I still feel so weak mentally. Even though I accomplished so much on the outside, I don’t feel like I’ve progressed all that much on the inside. And that is the whole reason I started doing triathlon – to increase my mental strength.

Next year, the challenge continues. So far, I only have one race on the schedule – St. George 70.3, one of the toughest courses in the world. Hills, heat, and wind await. But I am looking forward to the challenge. Go big! Other than St. George, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing. I’ve set a goal to be more conservative with my spending so I can pay some things off and save more. But I am looking forward to a little more flexibility. I’d love to do more trail running, hiking, and explore Zion’s National Park.

Just like the ; project, my story isn’t over yet. Hopefully someday I’ll feel brave enough to share what all has happened this year, and as always, I hope someone out there will be inspired to not give up.