It's been one year today since I wrote my epic confession of suffering from depression ("My Name is Mandy and I'm Suffering from Depression"). A year ago, I was certain I'd have this thing nipped in the bud by now. I was determined to get the help I needed to get rid of my black dog. I was willing to get counseling, try medication, and I was open to feeling the pain in order to overcome the pain.
Yesterday, as I sat at my desk, frozen in a depression-induced stupor for about 15 minutes, I asked myself, what have I accomplished in the last year? Can I really say I'm any better now than a year ago? The truth is, I feel more educated, more informed, more aware of my depression. But honestly, I really don't feel any closer to conquering the darkness than I did a year ago.
I don't want this to be full of lamentations however, and I thought I would share a few things I've learned. I hope this will help someone fighting the same endless pain and misty stupor that I am. And I hope that it can help loved ones who are suffering alongside you.
1. Re-train your brain. Nothing is going to change until I can convince my brain that the good things about me outweigh the bad. For 30+ years, my brain has been trained through various forces to focus on the negative thoughts about myself. And, as a therapist described it, it's like you're looking at this big, colorful, beautiful picture, and all you can focus on is the black speck in the lower corner. You're missing all the beauty, because to you, that black speck is more real, more believable, than all the beautiful colorful things surrounding it. That's not realistic, but that's depression.
2. You can't do it alone. I've done the classic depressed person thing - isolated myself from almost everyone who I know cares about me. One day last week, I was freaking out - depression, anxiety and all kinds of negative stuff running rampant in my head. I felt desperate. I wanted to shed my skin, or cut out my brain and throw it away. As my mind raced, I tried to think of someone, anyone, who I felt comfortable calling because I desperately needed to vent and feel loved. But I couldn't think of anyone. Not even Heavenly Father, who although I know loves me, feels so unapproachable. In my mind, after a couple of years of not feeling His love for me, I've kinda given up on that being a reliable source of comfort. The more time that passes, the more alone I feel. The more hopeless. If you're suffering from depression, don't let it get to this point!!!!! And if you love someone who is suffering from depression, even if they keep pushing you away, DON'T STOP TRYING. They need you. They just don't want to burden you. It's not you, it's the depression pushing you away. Please, please, don't give up on them!
3. Depressed people still have good days. They are rare, and often followed by a huge drop in mood for a few days afterward. But I have had a few glimpses of a light at the end of the tunnel. And those fleeting moments were wonderful. But for whatever reason, I still can't fully jump that wall and embrace hope that I can have that happiness and joy for longer than a moment.
4. Medication isn't for everyone. In my mind, meds seem like the easy out. Take a pill, feel better. Well, that didn't work. All the ones I tried made me feel worse. When I stopped my birth control pill I finally started noticing a difference in my mood. But then my physically health went all out of whack. Now emotionally and mentally I'm back to where I started. Back to the drawing board. I'm going to visit a new doctor later this week to see if we can find anything else wrong. So if the first doctor doesn't help, find a new one.
5. Things that used to bring peace, joy, and happiness, still do. They just aren't as effective, and I need them in larger doses to feel better. Like chocolate. Maybe that's the real reason behind my weight gain. I've learned though that each day is different. One day music makes me more depressed, no matter what genre I listen to, and other days, a good, hard core dance beat gets me dancing around the living room with my kids just like the old days. So I have to keep trying different things on different days until I find the winner.
6. Let yourself be sad sometimes. If I fight it, I feel worse. I've gotta tell myself it's okay to let the dishes and laundry pile up today. It's okay to not work out. It's okay to sit and watch Army Wives if I just don't have the energy to do anything else. It's okay to cry - again. This works for me, because I'm an over-achiever and normally always on the go. I have to practice self-care, which I'm horrible at. For some people, they have to constantly tell themselves to get moving and do something to feel better. For me, I have to slow down.
7. Mental prep is everything. I've noticed on my workouts, if I know I've got a 2000 meter swim in the morning, I can prepare for that in my mind. And then when I'm actually swimming, it doesn't seem so long or hard. Same thing with depression. I used to think this would just be a quick thing, that I'd figure out how to stop it, or man up and push it away and move on with life. But the reality is, that's not part of my training plan. I have no idea how long this will last. I know I'm not doing a 10k, but who knows if this will turn into an ultra ultra ultra marathon. So I'm working on preparing myself for being in this for the long haul so I can think and plan and know what I'm going to do to survive.
8. You can't just make it stop! This is probably the most difficult thing for me. I can't just flip a switch and turn it off. It comes at the worst times. My husband tries everything he can to cheer me up, but it often has the opposite effect and makes me feel worse. Because I know he's trying, I know I'm hurting him, and I am so, so frustrated that I can't feel better, no matter what we try. This makes me feel guilty. Which starts the endless cycle again in my head of, you're worthless, you can't do anything right, why is he even married to you, why are you even alive if all you do is make everyone miserable, etc, etc ,etc. To combat this, it is imperative that your significant other get counseling with you. They need to know what triggers your negative thought cycles so they don't take it personally, and they need reassurance that they aren't a terrible partner. They need to be convinced that it really isn't them - it's the depression. And they need to learn how to best support you on your down days.
9. You always feel alone and hopeless, but you're not. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. Hopefully one day I'll believe it. I have been amazed though with how many people have messaged me, spoken to me in private, and shared with me their struggles with depression. People whom I had no idea were struggling with this too. Many said they admired my openness about it. Many are way ahead of me with figuring out what helps and what doesn't. And many are just starting this journey themselves. You're not alone.
10. You are talented, wonderful, and people love you. Again, still working on believing this one. Just keep repeating.
Good luck. Don't give up.
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