2015 Race year in Review

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. 7 months actually. It’s been a rewarding but challenging year. I stood on the podium more this year than the previous 2 years combined. I met my goal of making it to USAT Age Group Nationals. I accomplished my goals there of not finishing last in my age group and breaking 3 hours for an Olympic distance – a first. I even accomplished something by surprise – placing third overall for the women at Camp Yuba triathlon. I’m still amazed that I did all this. Three years ago I was just learning how to swim.

So why do I still feel so bad?

My biggest accomplishment this year wasn’t doing all those things, although they are all incredible achievements that many people I know couldn’t do (at least not without all the training I put into it this year). I traveled to some beautiful places. Met new people. Improved my bike speed a lot. I worked hard, and it paid off.

Yet I still feel like nobody special.

My biggest accomplishment was staring down depression and telling it shut the heck up when it told me I couldn’t do any of those things. It was getting up at 4:30am every morning to train even when I wanted to lay in bed and escape to dreamworld, hoping to feel better. It was conquering death, to live another day. All those races where I started to think about how slow I still was compared to so many others – I had to force those thoughts away and focus on my beautiful surroundings. Every tear, every discouragement, and every hurtful word I uttered to myself – I had to push past it and keep going. I did so much this year to fight my own mind.

But today, I sit here, wondering who I am.

What is my purpose? Have I really helped anyone? My kids? My spouse? Myself? I barely recognize myself from who I was about 5 years ago. I’m quiet, closed off, afraid to talk to people, afraid even to write this. I used to pride myself on being an open book. That’s not me anymore. And I miss that Mandy. I’d love to go back to her. I’ve had a few glimpses of her the past couple of months, but she always gets shut down again. And the ever-present burden of not liking who I am anymore shuts my mouth, for fear of being harshly judged.

I may be stronger and faster physically, but I still feel so weak mentally. Even though I accomplished so much on the outside, I don’t feel like I’ve progressed all that much on the inside. And that is the whole reason I started doing triathlon – to increase my mental strength.

Next year, the challenge continues. So far, I only have one race on the schedule – St. George 70.3, one of the toughest courses in the world. Hills, heat, and wind await. But I am looking forward to the challenge. Go big! Other than St. George, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing. I’ve set a goal to be more conservative with my spending so I can pay some things off and save more. But I am looking forward to a little more flexibility. I’d love to do more trail running, hiking, and explore Zion’s National Park.

Just like the ; project, my story isn’t over yet. Hopefully someday I’ll feel brave enough to share what all has happened this year, and as always, I hope someone out there will be inspired to not give up. 

Depression Confession - One Year Later

It's been one year today since I wrote my epic confession of suffering from depression ("My Name is Mandy and I'm Suffering from Depression"). A year ago, I was certain I'd have this thing nipped in the bud by now. I was determined to get the help I needed to get rid of my black dog. I was willing to get counseling, try medication, and I was open to feeling the pain in order to overcome the pain.

Yesterday, as I sat at my desk, frozen in a depression-induced stupor for about 15 minutes, I asked myself, what have I accomplished in the last year? Can I really say I'm any better now than a year ago? The truth is, I feel more educated, more informed, more aware of my depression. But honestly, I really don't feel any closer to conquering the darkness than I did a year ago.

I don't want this to be full of lamentations however, and I thought I would share a few things I've learned. I hope this will help someone fighting the same endless pain and misty stupor that I am. And I hope that it can help loved ones who are suffering alongside you.

1. Re-train your brain. Nothing is going to change until I can convince my brain that the good things about me outweigh the bad. For 30+ years, my brain has been trained through various forces to focus on the negative thoughts about myself. And, as a therapist described it, it's like you're looking at this big, colorful, beautiful picture, and all you can focus on is the black speck in the lower corner. You're missing all the beauty, because to you, that black speck is more real, more believable, than all the beautiful colorful things surrounding it. That's not realistic, but that's depression.

2. You can't do it alone. I've done the classic depressed person thing - isolated myself from almost everyone who I know cares about me. One day last week, I was freaking out - depression, anxiety and all kinds of negative stuff running rampant in my head. I felt desperate. I wanted to shed my skin, or cut out my brain and throw it away. As my mind raced, I tried to think of someone, anyone, who I felt comfortable calling because I desperately needed to vent and feel loved. But I couldn't think of anyone. Not even Heavenly Father, who although I know loves me, feels so unapproachable. In my mind, after a couple of years of not feeling His love for me, I've kinda given up on that being a reliable source of comfort. The more time that passes, the more alone I feel. The more hopeless. If you're suffering from depression, don't let it get to this point!!!!! And if you love someone who is suffering from depression, even if they keep pushing you away, DON'T STOP TRYING. They need you. They just don't want to burden you. It's not you, it's the depression pushing you away. Please, please, don't give up on them!

3. Depressed people still have good days. They are rare, and often followed by a huge drop in mood for a few days afterward. But I have had a few glimpses of a light at the end of the tunnel. And those fleeting moments were wonderful. But for whatever reason, I still can't fully jump that wall and embrace hope that I can have that happiness and joy for longer than a moment.

4. Medication isn't for everyone. In my mind, meds seem like the easy out. Take a pill, feel better. Well, that didn't work. All the ones I tried made me feel worse. When I stopped my birth control pill I finally started noticing a difference in my mood. But then my physically health went all out of whack. Now emotionally and mentally I'm back to where I started. Back to the drawing board. I'm going to visit a new doctor later this week to see if we can find anything else wrong. So if the first doctor doesn't help, find a new one.

5. Things that used to bring peace, joy, and happiness, still do. They just aren't as effective, and I need them in larger doses to feel better. Like chocolate. Maybe that's the real reason behind my weight gain. I've learned though that each day is different. One day music makes me more depressed, no matter what genre I listen to, and other days, a good, hard core dance beat gets me dancing around the living room with my kids just like the old days. So I have to keep trying different things on different days until I find the winner.

6. Let yourself be sad sometimes. If I fight it, I feel worse. I've gotta tell myself it's okay to let the dishes and laundry pile up today. It's okay to not work out. It's okay to sit and watch Army Wives if I just don't have the energy to do anything else. It's okay to cry - again. This works for me, because I'm an over-achiever and normally always on the go. I have to practice self-care, which I'm horrible at. For some people, they have to constantly tell themselves to get moving and do something to feel better. For me, I have to slow down.

7. Mental prep is everything. I've noticed on my workouts, if I know I've got a 2000 meter swim in the morning, I can prepare for that in my mind. And then when I'm actually swimming, it doesn't seem so long or hard. Same thing with depression. I used to think this would just be a quick thing, that I'd figure out how to stop it, or man up and push it away and move on with life. But the reality is, that's not part of my training plan. I have no idea how long this will last. I know I'm not doing a 10k, but who knows if this will turn into an ultra ultra ultra marathon. So I'm working on preparing myself for being in this for the long haul so I can think and plan and know what I'm going to do to survive.

8. You can't just make it stop! This is probably the most difficult thing for me. I can't just flip a switch and turn it off. It comes at the worst times. My husband tries everything he can to cheer me up, but it often has the opposite effect and makes me feel worse. Because I know he's trying, I know I'm hurting him, and I am so, so frustrated that I can't feel better, no matter what we try. This makes me feel guilty. Which starts the endless cycle again in my head of, you're worthless, you can't do anything right, why is he even married to you, why are you even alive if all you do is make everyone miserable, etc, etc ,etc. To combat this, it is imperative that your significant other get counseling with you. They need to know what triggers your negative thought cycles so they don't take it personally, and they need reassurance that they aren't a terrible partner. They need to be convinced that it really isn't them - it's the depression. And they need to learn how to best support you on your down days.

9. You always feel alone and hopeless, but you're not. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. Hopefully one day I'll believe it. I have been amazed though with how many people have messaged me, spoken to me in private, and shared with me their struggles with depression. People whom I had no idea were struggling with this too. Many said they admired my openness about it. Many are way ahead of me with figuring out what helps and what doesn't. And many are just starting this journey themselves. You're not alone.

10. You are talented, wonderful, and people love you. Again, still working on believing this one. Just keep repeating.

Good luck. Don't give up.

My 3-day juice cleanse experiment – and why I’ll never try this again

About a month ago, my husband IM’d me and said, hey, everyone at my office is going to try a juice cleanse. You interested? After weighing my skepticism that this would be beneficial, thinking I’d read some positive things about juice cleansing, and contemplating my goal this year to qualify for triathlon nationals and wanting to up my game, I said, okay.

Now I wish I would have done my homework before agreeing. So, this blog is to provide some information I found, a view of my own experience, and my recommendations for anyone interested in trying this quickie “body-cleansing”, “detoxifying”, “energizing” diet.

The information available out there seems to be, on initial glance, a mixture of pros, cons, and middle of the road. I was able to find a couple of positive sites:

http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/9956/1/Juice-Diet--Pros-and-Cons.html

http://laurenconrad.com/blog/2013/01/detox-diary-my-3-day-juice-cleanse-pros-cons-health-benefits/

These reports include power words like “glowing skin”, “renewed energy”, “no more cravings for sweet or fatty foods”, and just an overall feeling of increased well-being. In the blog, Lauren glosses over the negative sides of her juice cleanse experience, and focuses mainly on all the benefits.

I didn’t quite have the same experience.

In full disclosure, I began my juice cleanse with a little trepidation blended with a fairly hefty lump of skepticism. My therapist recently invited me to read “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works” by Evelyn Tribole, M.S., R.D.; and Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D., F.A.D. to help me have a healthier relationship with food and my body. The concepts are making sense to me – listening to your body’s cues, eating when hungry, stopping as soon as you’re full, throwing out the diets, etc. In fact, it was while reading this book on day 2 of my cleanse that I really began questioning whether I was doing more harm than good to my body.

What follows is a list of common “benefits” (taken from: http://healthmeup.com/photogallery-diet-fitness/detox-diet-pros-and-cons-of-a-juice-cleanse/27447) of the juice cleanse and my personal experience, with some research I found. But, as Lavar would say, you don’t have to take my word for it!

1. Weight Loss

Granted, most reports admited that any weight you lose during a juice cleanse is quickly gained back, because you mostly lose water. Well, I see your water loss and raise you three fold.

We have one of those nifty Tanita scales that measures lots of stuff. The proof is in the numbers. Below are my measurements, 2 days before I started the juice cleanse (and on the final day of a wellness challenge at work, so I was working hard to maintain my normal weight), compared to the morning after the cleanse, before I finally got to eat real food (Note that I exercised Day 1 (about 2 hours), and Day 2 (45 minutes easy).

Measurement	December 31, 2014	January 5, 2015
Weight	128.7 lbs	124.1 lbs
Body Fat	19.2%	21.4%
Body Water	57.5%	55.9%
Bone Mass	5.3 lbs	5 lbs
Muscle Mass	98.7 lbs	92.5 lbs

 

Now, fluctuations are normal in anyone’s composition, but to me, this is pretty telling. Not only did I lose water weight, I also lost bone mass and muscle mass… and I gained fat!

2. Improves Immune Functions

Today, 2 days after the juice cleanse, I am coming down with a cold. Sure, could be a coincidence.

3. Easy way to increase fruit and vegetable intake

Yes, this one is true – if your body isn’t made like mine. I learned a while ago in triathlon that my body doesn’t absorb liquids as well as solids. During the cleanse, I was peeing everyone 20-40 minutes. Not only was that a total pain, but I really felt like my body wasn’t absorbing ANY of the nutrients – there was no time!

4. Retrain your Taste Buds

This one was actually true. By day 2, I was much more aware of the flavors in my juices, and it was great (except for the tomato based ones – yucky!). On day 3, when the juice maker-upper added herbs to the juices, I was loving the flavors! It was like a Redneck at a swanky party. My taste buds didn’t know what to think!

But alas, they’re back to normal now.

5. Curb unhealthy food cravings

This one is completely bogus. At least for me. The entire 3 days I couldn’t stop thinking about all the foods I wanted to eat – cookies, chocolate, waffles, pizza. The only reason I didn’t gorge myself on unhealthy stuff afterwards was because I am feeling more committed to the Intuitive Eating mindset now, and I keep asking myself, will that make me feel better or worse if I eat it?

Interestingly, in the Intuitive Eating book, they refer to a study called “Experimental Starvation in Man” by Ancel Keys et al., published in 1945. They took a bunch of healthy guys, let them eat whatever they wanted for three months (usually averaging 3,492 calories a day), then for the next 6 months, lived in a “semistarvation” state, averaging about 1,570 calories per day. They were required to lose 19-28% of their weight depending on body composition. The book authors noted that much of what the participants experienced is similar to a diet.

·         Metabolic rates decreased by 40%

·         They became obsessed with food – talking about it constantly, researching recipes, more cravings

·         Changed eating style – going between eating ravenously to dragging out the meal as long as they could.

·         The men seemed to go crazy – becoming bulimic, binging on junk food and healthy food, and even stealing penny candy. Some exercised more- just to get more food rations. Personalities also changed – many became constantly irritable, moody, apathetic and depressed.

During the refeeding period, when they could eat whatever they wanted, their appetites seemed insatiable. Some of them went on 8,000-10,000 calorie binges on weekends. It took most of them 5 months to get back to “normal”.

In just my short 3-day experience, I can tell you I experienced a lot of these same things. And now I’m struggling to get back to my “normal”. 

6.  Flush out Toxins

This is a misnomer. In reality, fiber, which is in the skin and pulp of most fruits and veggies, is removed during juicing. This is the very thing your body needs to remove toxins.

Other things to consider

Besides the above mentioned, these juice cleansings are usually pretty pricey. A 5-day supply for us was $250. That’s more than double what I spend at the grocery store for a family of 4 for an entire week.

Those with diabetes (and hypoglycemia) probably shouldn’t do this. The concentrated amounts of sugar in the juices spike your blood sugar. Mine always crashed about an hour later, leaving me shaking and weak. So much for “resetting” my blood sugar levels as was suggested.

Conclusion

In a nutshell, I’m glad I did this so I could learn from it. And I do believe that some people could benefit, especially if they think really positively about it (placebo effect). But, do your research before trying something like this, and start with a 3 day plan first. And don’t be afraid to bow out early if you experience extreme side effects. I had a few moments scattered throughout day 2 and 3 where I wasn’t ravenous, but they were always short lived. For me, the proposed benefits didn’t outweigh the consequences. I laid around for 3 days doing almost nothing because I had no energy. And now I’m paying the price trying to regain my strength, fitness levels, body composition, and health. For me, the juice cleanse is one I will cross off my list –along with every other diet out there. From here on out, it’s Intuitive Eating for me!