Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, GOOD-BYE

Something wonderful has happened to me recently.  Actually, a few wonderful things.  Things that were stressing me out are working themselves out (always a good feeling), but even more, I’ve met the most amazing guy.  He shall hereafter be referred to as Kermit.  As I was describing him to Kerrian tonight, who knows me better than anyone on the planet, he said, I think you’re gonna marry this guy.  I said, what?  I was thinking I haven’t known him long enough.  I said, why do you think that?  He said, I have this feeling in my gut.  He seems like the perfect guy for you.  Later he said, I’m not sure if I should be jealous or not.

 

So while I’m enjoying those crazy good butterflies, keep day dreaming about him at work, and am basking in his adoration, affection, and consideration, this is usually about the time my deepest insecurities rear their ugly head.  And as I’m sure Edward would attest, it ain’t pretty. 

 

I was sitting on the floor tonight folding nice clean laundry, taking a break from writing my hundredth draft of my thesis (that’s an exaggeration, but it sure feels like I’ve written this stupid thesis at least a hundred times) when a few powerful things came over me. Normally, I’m a confident, happy, laid-back, happy-go-lucky woman.  Intense and emotional at times, yes, but still an all-around cool person.  And then when I get in a relationship, this totally different woman takes over.  Ya know, that woman who starts to worry when he doesn’t text a reply, or respond to an IM.  She wonders if she said or did something to make him mad and change his mind about her.  That annoying person who starts to doubt who she is and how amazing she is, who starts making comments that belittle herself.  In an effort of making sure she puts “everything out there” so he can decide early on if he really wants to go forward goes a little to the extreme.  And then there’s the up and down emotions of happy and confident peeking out, and then insecure and scared present more often.

Well, you know what?  I’m sick of that woman!  That’s not the woman I want to be!  I don’t like feeling that way or being that way.  She would tell me, well then why are you dating again, just stop and then you won’t have to worry about  it.  I’d respond to her, you know why I keep trying, despite the possibility of things not working out and of getting my heart broken again?  Because deep down inside me, deeper than anything she could convince me of, rooted in my breast, is the deep desire to hope- hope to find love, to love someone and be loved.  And if I don’t grab onto that hope, and kick her out, I never will find love- a lasting love.

So, I’m kicking her to the curb!  Be gone!  There’s no more room in my head, heart, or life for you.  I am woman, hear me roar!  Look at everything I’ve accomplished in my life.  I know God loves me.  I know I’m beautiful, healthy, smart, and have a bright future ahead of me.  I know there are many more good things about me than bad.  I’ve gotten my heart broken before and not only survived, but learned great lessons from each one.  So if he doesn’t text, so what?  I’m sure he’s busy, and that’s okay.  We’ll talk later.  If I said something that offended him, if he doesn’t have the balls to come talk to me about it so we can work it out, we probably shouldn’t be together.  Despite being hurt a lot in the past, I’m really pretty dang tough.  I can handle it.  I’m going to say or do the wrong thing sometimes.  I might do something that makes you shake your head and wonder what the heck?  And I’m going to make mistakes.  That doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of being loved.  It means I’m human.  And that’s okay.  

I think I’ve finally learned my lesson.  What a liberating feeling!  I am worth it.  I don’t need to worry or stress about anything.  If it works out, awesome, if not, that’s okay too.  But if it doesn’t, he’ll be losing the best thing that ever happened to him… just as I’m sure Edward, Don Queco, and Kerrian would all tell him.  And for the record, I really hope it does work out this time.  There are things about Kermit I’ve never found before in a guy- things I didn’t even know I needed.  As he said, we just “fit”. 

No Looking Back

Mount Sodom

Throughout history, people have suffered negative consequences for looking back.  Lot’s wife looked back at the smoldering Sodom and Gomorrah and turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26).  Lot and his two daughters afterwards went and hid in a cave.

But not everyone reacts this way to never looking back.  Look at Rose in Titanic.  She lost her beloved Jack, and instead of giving in to sadness, she keeps her promise and moves on her with life, never looking back, and yet always holding Jack locked away in her heart to the very end.

So the question arises, how does one strike this balance?  Luke reports Christ’s warning that no man, putting his hand to the plow and looking back is fit for the kingdom of God (Luke 9:62).  I’ve always taken this to mean that you put your bad habits, sins, weaknesses behind you in an effort to become more like Christ.  Once you’ve chosen that path, there’s no looking back.

U2 Concert May 2011

Unfortunately for me, there have been times in my life where some of the best experiences of my life were intimately entwined in mistakes.  This trains my brain to associate doing something wrong with something that is also good.  With the kids gone for the summer, a steady job in hand, I have more time to think.  I admit I’ve been extremely nostalgic the past few weeks.  I fondly thought of the U2 concert that began my amazing summer last year when that anniversary hit.  On the anniversary of my arrival in DC, my mind was flooded with memories of those first few days.  I am grateful my mind tends to focus on good memories.  Last summer was perhaps the best I’d had in years.  And now I find myself missing everything about that summer- pains, joys, love, heartbreak and all.

Today, I was able to put some things to rest about last summer as Edward and I talked.  I’ve been finding myself increasingly melancholy and acutely aware of my loneliness over the past couple weeks.  After getting off the phone with Edward today, I felt like a huge burst of sunlight and warmth had infused my entire body.  It was a good feeling.  But, as is always the case, my mind went back to those memories from last summer.  And the reality quickly sunk in- that Edward is that- memories from the past.  A long-lasting friendship is assured for the future.  But the reality is, I’m still alone.  He and I have both been feeling the realization of how good it was to have each other around last summer.  How much of a difference it made.  Despite the hard times.  But we both left on a jet plane.  And I may never be back again.

So here lies the wisdom in learning how to not look back.  We have so many memories that bring us joy as we remember the good times.  Yet at the same time, they can bring us pain.  I may not turn to a pillar of salt for running Edward and I’s first kiss through my mind over and over.  Or the night he was there with me when a creepy guy stopped us on the street asking for money.  But if I don’t learn to stop looking back, it could mean going through that heartbreak all over again.  Because we are creatures of emotion.  We want to be loved.  We want someone there to hold us when tears fall down our cheeks.  And when we remember times when someone has been there for us, loved us, cared for us, and we remember we are alone now when we really want/need to feel loved and cared about, it’s just plain hard.  We can’t help but want to go back to that time again.  I’d almost rather become a pillar of salt in order to not feel those pains again- the re-tearing of a wound that was finally on the mend.