Outcome #1- things turns out great, everything runs smoothly, you never have any doubts that the decision you made was the right one. Your confidence is strengthened in your ability to make good decisions, and you feel like you can subsequently go out and rule the world!
Outcome #2- Someone says something, does something, or something happens that makes you seriously question your decision. Things don’t go smoothly, or sometimes even go all wrong. It could be that although the decision you made was the right one, it still isn’t an easy path to take. Or, it could be that you made the wrong decision and have to re-evaluate and chart a new course. This inevitably causes you to doubt your decision making skills or you may feel like it’s too late to change course because you don’t want others to see you as wishy-washy.
I’ve been thinking about how important it is to make sure you have gathered everything you can about the situation before making a decision in order to ensure you make the right one. However, how often do we gather what we think is the right information, but really, it is just based on our subjective impressions of reality- in other words, what we think is best based on past experience. Or even basing our decisions on what others have done in the past as a result of our decisions? This of course isn’t fair because that person isn’t anything like anyone you’ve ever known. But we get scared. Because none of us want to make the wrong decision, especially if we made the wrong decision in the past.
Okay, you’re probably saying, um, can you be a little more specific? Sure. Although, I have to tell you one of the decisions I made recently is to put on a happy face even when I’m not feeling it. I often believe others really don’t want to hear about my problems, because they have their own to deal with. And besides, I’d rather just be there to help others anyway. So, I decided I would be there to help others and stay positive on the outside, while dealing with my own personal demons internally. Perhaps this is another poor decision.
To continue- I’ve made two big decisions in the past few weeks. One dealing with my Master’s Thesis, the other how to best handle a personal matter (sorry, the person involved has asked I not share details). In the case of the former, a couple classmates today made a few comments that brought to light some options I hadn’t considered where my thesis is concerned and had me re-thinking the whole thing. Which put me in a state of confusion all over again. And now I’m just about back to where I started, not knowing what to do.
The other, more personal matter, I thought I made a good, sound, solid decision. I thought I made a decision that was best for both of us. However, I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to repeat two mantras to myself since making that decision, “I’m a strong, confident, intelligent, beautiful woman and I don’t need anyone” and “we’re both better off this way, especially the other person.” If I have to keep telling myself these things over and over, could this really have been the right decision though? Perhaps when I was trying to convince the other person this was the best course to take, in reality, I was trying to convince myself, because I was scared I’d just get more hurt in the end anyway.
So now what do I do, I keep asking myself. In trying to ponder the thesis issue, I keep telling myself, you can figure this out, you can do this. You can handle it all and juggle it all. You can find a solution that will be the right thing. But time is quickly ticking if I really want to graduate in April. But I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me… right?
As for the personal issue, I’m thinking I should just lay low for a while, see if they approach me. If they don’t, I’ll give up and know it was the right decision after all because I would have just been more hurt in the end. Which makes me sad. And I wonder if by letting fear rule my life again, have I really conquered the self-esteem monster yet, and will I ever? I also wonder if what I said hurt them. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. But did I? Will I ever know? Is it too late? I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and made so many poor decisions that often I just don’t know if I know how to make a good decision anymore. How can we ever possibly have all the information we need to make a good, sound decision? And, even more importantly, why aren’t people more forgiving of us when we do make a bad decision, because every single one of us does it? I’d like to hope this other person could forgive me, if I did unknowingly hurt them. But knowing how things go in my life, it’s probably too late.
Tune in next time for a much more positive post. I don’t think I can keep everything bottled up inside. I’d like to be tough enough than nothing ever bothers me and I can just shrug everything off. I’ll keep working on it.
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