While I’m having such an awesome time with my kids here at the start of our first road trip vacation ever, and their first trip to California, I have a lot of conflicting emotions. A lot of things I’m trying to wrap my head around. Like trying to decide where exactly I fit in with my religion compared to my life goals. Another thing lurking in the back of my mind is Thursday will be the six month anniversary of Don Queco’s death. While I don’t feel the gut-wrenching horrible can’t function grief I did four months ago, even three months ago, I’m wondering how I’ll feel that day. Gratefully, we have plans that day, so hopefully that will distract me enough. I still miss him. But the pain is gone. Just loneliness.
During the 5.5 hour drive yesterday from Las Vegas, where we stopped for the night, and Carlsbad, I had lots of time to think. I came to a few hard and fast resolutions while staring at the endless miles of sagebrush, mountains, and dirt as far as the eye could see. Although I know the end is coming, most likely on Friday, for Edward and me, I refuse to make it a downer day, or bring him down, or make his life harder. He is already dealing with plenty of other things as it is, and doesn’t need more from me. If anything, he needs my friendship and support now more than ever. So, I can do this. Girl power all the way. I can suck it up long enough to hide my crumbling heart so that we can have a fun day Friday with the kids before we have to say good-bye. And I won’t say another word about our relationship ending or how it makes me feel. Because he doesn’t need to hear it. Especially considering what has implanted itself firmly in my mind since Sunday night, especially after pondering it more and more on the road yesterday.
Edward and I did talk a bit Sunday night about this and he told me, as I’m sure most of you reading this would too- don’t give up, keep an open heart and mind. This was in response to my expressing my belief that my getting married again and having any more kids just isn’t going to happen. Because even though Edward gave me the gift of unconditional love and acceptance, ultimately, our relationship is coming to an end. So while he proved my belief that I’m unlovable as false, and boosted my self-esteem 100 fold, at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough. Once upon a time, I thought love could overcome any obstacle. I don’t believe it anymore. I see people who love each other who get through terrible trials, and come out stronger than before. But, I firmly believe that’s just not in the cards for me. Someone loving me doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. I thought it did. But I was wrong. Again.
 | |
| Ever walking along alone |
So ultimately, who am I writing this blog for? If I don’t believe my knight is out there, why am I doing this? I know not. Except, I pray that someone somewhere will benefit from what I write. I hope it will inspire some gallant knight out there to find his princess. I hope it will prompt someone to stop coming up with excuses, and just ask her to marry him already. I hope it will help others show forth a larger-than-life amount of tenacity when needed (Edward told me recently he was impressed with the great amount of tenacity I’ve shown this summer. I admit, I had to look the word up to remind myself what it means. In case you’re wondering too, it means to hold fast.) Hmmm… perhaps I’m a contradiction then. I didn’t give up, and held fast to the hope things would work out with Edward. But I’m not tenacious when it comes to my future in the relationship arena. I’ve never met anyone like Edward. No one has ever stuck by me through thick and thin and not abandoned me. Yet, in the end, I guess he is too.
No comments:
Post a Comment