Decisions, decisions...

The first day of school usually brings me to a lot of self-reflection and making new decisions.  This year is no different, with it being my final year in grad school.  I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my summer experiences and decide to make what I hope will be positive changes in my life.  However, I’ve noticed there are generally two outcomes from making decisions, as I’m sure we’re all aware.

Outcome #1- things turns out great, everything runs smoothly, you never have any doubts that the decision you made was the right one.  Your confidence is strengthened in your ability to make good decisions, and you feel like you can subsequently go out and rule the world!

Outcome #2- Someone says something, does something, or something happens that makes you seriously question your decision.  Things don’t go smoothly, or sometimes even go all wrong.  It could be that although the decision you made was the right one, it still isn’t an easy path to take.  Or, it could be that you made the wrong decision and have to re-evaluate and chart a new course.  This inevitably causes you to doubt your decision making skills or you may feel like it’s too late to change course because you don’t want others to see you as wishy-washy.

I’ve been thinking about how important it is to make sure you have gathered everything you can about the situation before making a decision in order to ensure you make the right one.  However, how often do we gather what we think is the right information, but really, it is just based on our subjective impressions of reality- in other words, what we think is best based on past experience.  Or even basing our decisions on what others have done in the past as a result of our decisions?  This of course isn’t fair because that person isn’t anything like anyone you’ve ever known.  But we get scared.  Because none of us want to make the wrong decision, especially if we made the wrong decision in the past.

Okay, you’re probably saying, um, can you be a little more specific?  Sure.  Although, I have to tell you one of the decisions I made recently is to put on a happy face even when I’m not feeling it.  I often believe others really don’t want to hear about my problems, because they have their own to deal with.  And besides, I’d rather just be there to help others anyway.  So, I decided I would be there to help others and stay positive on the outside, while dealing with my own personal demons internally.  Perhaps this is another poor decision.

To continue- I’ve made two big decisions in the past few weeks.  One dealing with my Master’s Thesis, the other how to best handle a personal matter (sorry, the person involved has asked I not share details).  In the case of the former, a couple classmates today made a few comments that brought to light some options I hadn’t considered where my thesis is concerned and had me re-thinking the whole thing.  Which put me in a state of confusion all over again.  And now I’m just about back to where I started, not knowing what to do.

The other, more personal matter, I thought I made a good, sound, solid decision.  I thought I made a decision that was best for both of us.  However, I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to repeat two mantras to myself since making that decision, “I’m a strong, confident, intelligent, beautiful woman and I don’t need anyone” and “we’re both better off this way, especially the other person.”  If I have to keep telling myself these things over and over, could this really have been the right decision though?  Perhaps when I was trying to convince the other person this was the best course to take, in reality, I was trying to convince myself, because I was scared I’d just get more hurt in the end anyway.

So now what do I do, I keep asking myself.  In trying to ponder the thesis issue, I keep telling myself, you can figure this out, you can do this.  You can handle it all and juggle it all.  You can find a solution that will be the right thing.  But time is quickly ticking if I really want to graduate in April.  But I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me… right?

As for the personal issue, I’m thinking I should just lay low for a while, see if they approach me.  If they don’t, I’ll give up and know it was the right decision after all because I would have just been more hurt in the end.  Which makes me sad.  And I wonder if by letting fear rule my life again, have I really conquered the self-esteem monster yet, and will I ever?  I also wonder if what I said hurt them.  I thought I was doing what was best for both of us.  But did I?  Will I ever know?  Is it too late?  I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and made so many poor decisions that often I just don’t know if I know how to make a good decision anymore.  How can we ever possibly have all the information we need to make a good, sound decision?  And, even more importantly, why aren’t people more forgiving of us when we do make a bad decision, because every single one of us does it?  I’d like to hope this other person could forgive me, if I did unknowingly hurt them.  But knowing how things go in my life, it’s probably too late.

Tune in next time for a much more positive post.  I don’t think I can keep everything bottled up inside.  I’d like to be tough enough than nothing ever bothers me and I can just shrug everything off.  I’ll keep working on it. 

Always the same story

While I’m having such an awesome time with my kids here at the start of our first road trip vacation ever, and their first trip to California, I have a lot of conflicting emotions.  A lot of things I’m trying to wrap my head around.  Like trying to decide where exactly I fit in with my religion compared to my life goals.  Another thing lurking in the back of my mind is Thursday will be the six month anniversary of Don Queco’s death.  While I don’t feel the gut-wrenching horrible can’t function grief I did four months ago, even three months ago, I’m wondering how I’ll feel that day.  Gratefully, we have plans that day, so hopefully that will distract me enough.  I still miss him.  But the pain is gone.  Just loneliness.

During the 5.5 hour drive yesterday from Las Vegas, where we stopped for the night, and Carlsbad, I had lots of time to think.  I came to a few hard and fast resolutions while staring at the endless miles of sagebrush, mountains, and dirt as far as the eye could see.  Although I know the end is coming, most likely on Friday, for Edward and me, I refuse to make it a downer day, or bring him down, or make his life harder.  He is already dealing with plenty of other things as it is, and doesn’t need more from me.  If anything, he needs my friendship and support now more than ever.  So, I can do this.  Girl power all the way.  I can suck it up long enough to hide my crumbling heart so that we can have a fun day Friday with the kids before we have to say good-bye.  And I won’t say another word about our relationship ending or how it makes me feel.  Because he doesn’t need to hear it.  Especially considering what has implanted itself firmly in my mind since Sunday night, especially after pondering it more and more on the road yesterday.

Edward and I did talk a bit Sunday night about this and he told me, as I’m sure most of you reading this would too- don’t give up, keep an open heart and mind.  This was in response to my expressing my belief that my getting married again and having any more kids just isn’t going to happen.  Because even though Edward gave me the gift of unconditional love and acceptance, ultimately, our relationship is coming to an end.  So while he proved my belief that I’m unlovable as false, and boosted my self-esteem 100 fold, at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough.  Once upon a time, I thought love could overcome any obstacle.  I don’t believe it anymore.  I see people who love each other who get through terrible trials, and come out stronger than before.  But, I firmly believe that’s just not in the cards for me.  Someone loving me doesn’t guarantee a happy ending.  I thought it did.  But I was wrong.  Again.

Ever walking along alone

So ultimately, who am I writing this blog for?  If I don’t believe my knight is out there, why am I doing this?  I know not.  Except, I pray that someone somewhere will benefit from what I write.  I hope it will inspire some gallant knight out there to find his princess. I hope it will prompt someone to stop coming up with excuses, and just ask her to marry him already.  I hope it will help others show forth a larger-than-life amount of tenacity when needed (Edward told me recently he was impressed with the great amount of tenacity I’ve shown this summer.  I admit, I had to look the word up to remind myself what it means.  In case you’re wondering too, it means to hold fast.)  Hmmm… perhaps I’m a contradiction then.  I didn’t give up, and held fast to the hope things would work out with Edward.  But I’m not tenacious when it comes to my future in the relationship arena.  I’ve never met anyone like Edward.  No one has ever stuck by me through thick and thin and not abandoned me.  Yet, in the end, I guess he is too.

Goodbyes

I started writing today’s post while on a plane from DC to Denver this past weekend.  I’ve had a lot more time to think about today’s topic, so I made some tweaks to the original.  So here goes.

Nobody likes to say good-bye.  I think it’s a common human reaction, laced with all kinds of emotions.  I’d like to think that as we age, saying goodbye gets easier.  But, not so much.  And I honestly can’t say whether I think it gets harder or easier.  Perhaps it’s just harder with some people than with others. 

On my flights I had plenty of time to think about having to say good bye to DC, new friends, new experiences, the less stressed-life I lead while not having to be supermom… and most of all… Edward.  I’m sometimes amazed my head can contain everything I have inside without bursting apart.  I must be made of something super strong.  Or maybe it’s just held together with Gorilla Glue, I’m not sure.

For 10 weeks, I was able to step out of my life and essentially live a different one.  And it was great.  I’m not going to lie, I missed my kids, although not as much as I had anticipated- I was too busy.  And I hope this same lack of missing them will apply to Edward.  At first, I thought it just might, but as the days pass, I’m learning not so much.  I know the kids will always be there, I’ll always go back to them.

Over the short time span of 10 weeks, I learned so much about myself.  Having time away from the kids gave me the chance to really take an in-depth inventory of what makes me tick, what I need, and things I need to deal with.  I never have the luxury of spending time dwelling on those things when I’m caring for kids, attending classes, and a whole bunch of other things.  Many times, too, it takes the right person at the right time to point things out to us that we’ve either been oblivious to or trying to ignore.  If that person is truly a good friend, they won’t hold back but let you know what they see in you- good and bad.  It’s almost like stepping outside yourself, and seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes.

Edward was that person for me.  He was not only my man for the bulk of my summer, but he was my best friend.  He wasn’t afraid to tell me what he saw, good and bad, and it helped me in so many ways.  He did so with kindness and respect, with caring and compassion.  While I am really hard on myself, I never came away from one of our talks feeling the crushing defeat and worthlessness I did after my ex had his say.  It’s one of those things where I really don’t think I could sufficiently express how much everything Edward did for me meant, how much he changed my life- for the better.  I wish there was some way to really write it on his heart, so he could take it with him and never forget all the goodness he possesses. 

Edward, this is for you.

As I watched you walk away, towards your gate, your walk etched itself firmly in my mind. As did our parting kiss.  Your strong arms around me.  Your final touches.  I don’t want to forget the way you looked into my eyes that last time.  I saw my pain etched there, and the desire to not have to say goodbye.  My heart agreed with you when you said you wish this didn’t have to end.  But, like I said, I respect your decision.  Watching you walk away, faceless people ebbing and flowing around you, until I couldn’t see you anymore, brought a pain to my heart and a deep sigh to my lips, one felt through my entire being.  Watching you walk away was one of the hardest things I did all summer.  I found some comfort in knowing I will see you in a couple of weeks, but after that, I know the reality of seeing you again is slim.  And I hurt.

Since that day, what I was hoping would happen, hasn’t.  While I still feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for everything I experienced this summer, and while I feel completely different than I usually do when a relationship is ending, the ache is there again.  As the days slip by, and the inevitable end approaches, I dread it more.  I feel more sad.  It’s always been hard for me to let go.  While I’m not so overcome with grief that I can’t function or see the good in everything we experienced, as in past relationships, the ache is always there.

The only analogy I could think of is when a loved one is dying from old age or a long illness and they are ready to go to the other side, but keep hanging on because you won’t let them go.  And that’s how I feel right now.  I know you want me to let you go, Edward.  I don’t want to hold you back.  The problem is, the only way I know how to do that is to throw those walls back up, taller and stronger than ever.  That means not talking to you.  That means potentially losing a dear friend because I don’t know any other way to let you go than to push you away, become mad at you for no apparent reason, something to make me let you go.  I wish I had some kind of special knife that could cut the attachment between my heart and yours.  At least the romantic lines.  Those are tightly woven, hundreds of experiences, events, and feelings make it strong and sure.  It’s not going to be easy. 

However, if I’ve learned anything from you this summer, it’s that I am strong and confident.  And if I put my mind to something, I can do it.  I am determined to do things differently this time.  I don’t want to lose your friendship because I don’t think I’m strong enough to let you go in the romantic sense.  I want our friendship kind of love to continue to grow stronger as the days, weeks, months, and years pass.  We’ve done an outstanding job of communicating with each other, of trying to overcome our tendencies to put up our walls and push people away so we- or they- don’t get hurt.  I promise to keep trying to not shut you out, if you promise to do the same.  While I know things have to be different now, and I know things will never be the same, even though we do want to stay in touch, I also know I don’t want to lose you from my life completely.  And I’m trying to do the best I can, even though I don’t always know how.

I love you.