Honesty

To some, honesty may sound like one of those 4-letter words.  We had a lesson in church yesterday about honesty.  And while the main message I took away from the whole lesson was that Heavenly Father will always keep his promises to us, all of us humans are pretty much hopeless cases.  Especially when it came to the topic of being honest with ourselves.

One person made the comment that sometimes even when she’s praying, she’ll catch herself trying to tell Heavenly Father something that she… and He… knows isn’t true.  Loud chuckles from the rest of the group followed that comment.  It’s so true though.  How often have I tried to convince myself of one thing or another, when I know for a fact it isn’t true?

Take my current feelings on dating.  I came out here to the East coast for a summer internship with an open heart and mind.  I’ve been feeling very positive and upbeat, and hoping Don Queco’s memories are done haunting me so I can move on with my life.  So, I’m going along meeting a bunch of people, and starting to really dig one guy in particular, when it really hits me that if I want to do the dating thing opposite of how I always tend to go about it (the 200 mph leaping before I step kinda thing), I simply don’t have time to really get to be friends with anyone first and start any kind of relationship, and I am so not a fan of long distance relationships since spending quality time is my main love language.  And then I found out the guy I was starting grow an interest in has been dating someone.  

So my initial knee jerk reaction to this is all the negative things I’ve been trying to overcome, such as who am I trying to kid?  Why am I better than any of the other hundreds of available girls in this area?  What makes me better than any of them and why would anyone want to be with me over anyone else?  Yes, these insecurities (and more) reared their ugly head in a ferocious way last night, and I felt like I was going to explode.  Sitting up on the roof, on the sundeck of my apartment building helped a bit.  Smelling the rain in the air, feeling a breeze brush my cheek, and being alone so I could collect my thoughts, ponder, pray, and even shed a few tears, always helps a little.  But in the end, my frustrated and hasty decision was, that’s it, I’m done with dating.  I’m done with trying to find you, Mr. Knight.  I’m sick of emotional roller coasters (which I put all on myself, I know) and being disappointed every single time I’m interested in someone.  I’m sick of people not being completely up front and honest.  And while I know his intentions were good, he was just trying to be a friend to someone who was new to the area, that doesn’t help me overcome some of my issues.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fault him or anything, it’s all me.

So who is really the one being dishonest?  Why, me, of course.  Who am I trying to kid?  Heck, I’m trying to use reverse psychology on myself.  How’s that going for ya, you ask?  Eh, not so good.  Obviously not very effective, anyway.  Because, in the end, I am hoping to find you, my knight in shining armor.  I just wish it didn’t have to be such a long, painful process.  Because I am weary of the nervous stomachs, tears, emotional battles in my head, and the never ceasing questions of the unknown.  And it makes me wonder when I’ll finally reach the breaking point, where I really can’t handle everything anymore, and I just can’t hang on.  I just keep trying to keep going, because that’s what I do, but I’m always wondering when I’ll crash head first into the dead end.