Today you’ll need to put on your deep thinking caps as I’ve had some potentially philosophical ideas rolling around in my head. I’ve pretty much run the gamut of emotions this past week and in thinking about it, noticed how often I’ll be going along in life, thinking I’m doing just fine, not perfect, always room for improvement of course, but still, I’ll think I’m doing okay. Then something happens that completely bursts my bubble, I fall from the precipice I was apparently standing unsteadily on, and collapse in a pile of broken ideas and hopes. Once this happens, it’s hard to pull me out of it, as the continuous cycle of negative self-talk is unleashed in full force. And if someone happens to be close by, watch out. Often, when this has happened, it freaks people out. I can understand they probably feel helpless and don’t know what to do to help me. What can I say? I have really strong emotions. I’ve always been that way, and despite my best efforts to suppress them, that’s how I’ll always be. Yes, I can probably learn how to channel them more effectively and positively, and I will work on that. But in the meantime, it’s been disheartening to find myself alone in my time of greatest emotional stresses. This of course leads me to feel worse, and adds fuel to an already raging fire… that I really am worthless and unlovable.
However, I am happy to report this weekend something happened that was completely unexpected. And it helped me feel hopeful that you really are out there somewhere, knight. This weekend I made a choice and while perhaps not the best one, also not the worst, I think now. I didn’t think that way at the time, however. It sent me into an emotional tailspin and had me spouting comments such as, “you’d be better off without me in your life,” “I’m sorry I sucked you into my crazy messed up head,” and similar such sentiments. But instead of freaking out and heading for the hills, the person I was with, sat down, put his thinking cap on, and tried to help come up with a solution. He didn’t just throw his hands up and say, ah, I can’t help you, and leave me to figure everything out on my own. He didn’t abandon me. So I suppose I have abandonment issues as well, something that has crossed my mind in the past, but came through loud and clear this weekend. At first I wasn’t sure how to respond to his response. It was so unusual for me. I’m so used to dealing with things on my own. I’m so used to continuously beating myself up for the slightest infraction. I couldn’t believe someone would not look at the situation… at me… like I was looking at me. It was a surprise when he didn’t agree with the negative things I was saying.
Is it really possible? Is there even the slightest possibility that eventually I can really find someone who won’t stomp on the gas pedal when I have a moment of freaking out? Is there a kind, sensitive guy out there who also doesn’t mind sitting down and facing problems head on, who won’t run away, who won’t give up until the issue is settled? While incredibly difficult to even begin to have hope that I really could find a guy who would still want to be with me even in my darkest moments, I do see the slightest glimmer of hope.
Going back to my original issue of making a decision that maybe wasn’t the best, but also wasn’t the worst, I can also see that sometimes making a decision of that caliber is perhaps sometimes necessary. Sometimes there is a positive outcome. From this I’ve learned maybe my ex was completely wrong about all the negative comments about how I look, my figure, etc. I’ve harbored this negative line of thinking for years now, especially this one of being undesirable and unattractive. I’ve assumed when a guy wanted to kiss or anything else, it was simply for the physical satisfaction he was after, not because he really truly thought I was cute, smart, funny, fun to be with, etc. But after this weekend, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been wrong all along… well, maybe not every time.
It’s funny how a few years of negative comments and actions can really warp one’s sense of self. And it’s so incredibly difficult to erase those thoughts. It’s like when Professor Umbridge made Harry Potter carve something into his hand over and over until it was permanently engraven on the back of his hand, “I will not lie”. It’s like I’ve had “I’m not beautiful,” “I’m worthless,” “No one will ever want to be with me, let alone love me for who I am” permanently engraven on my heart. How does one erase that much damage? By finding those few people who really do look past the negative things, who decide to give more weight to the positive things, and who really can love you for you. Yes, it may take time to find those people, but I do believe they’re out there. Just don’t give up. Heavenly Father knows who they are, and He’ll put them in your path when you need them most.
