Swim, Bike, Run, Pray #4: Depression vs. Ironman Training

Hubby Finishing IM Louisville 2012

The reason I decided, in August 2012, that someday, I would finish an Ironman, was after watching my husband and many other amazing athletes forging ahead in Ironman Louisville. They exhibited such mental strength, something I felt I was greatly lacking, and it’s something I wanted for myself. Yesterday, I started to doubt whether I would ever accomplish that goal. I am stuck. Behind a brick wall. Called depression.

I missed two full days of training this week. And cut a few
trainings short. I was so down, I was about to quit triathlon altogether. With all of the research being done on the human brain these days, I wonder what the cure is for depression, anxiety, bi-polar, OCD, and many other mental illnesses. There has to be something!

Despite many mental, emotional, and physical struggles this week, Thursday I strapped on my bike shoes and got back on the saddle. More than 1,000 calories burned Thursday, 1,200 burned Friday, and 1,400 burned Saturday – and today, I’m hammered.

Friday I decided to map a hilly course for my 2.5 hour, 12.8 mile run. I managed a total of 950+ feet of climbing, which doesn’t equal St. George’s 1200. Friday’s course had some 13-14% grade climbs, which I don’t think St. George will have.

After the first really big climb, which I jogged up entirely, I stopped at the corner and looked back on how high I came. As I panted, caught my breath and took a drink, I was amazed at what I’d just done. That felt good! The rest of the run was challenging too, and I didn’t run up all the hills, but I finished strong at the end, despite being tired, sore (my calves cramped up), and thirsty.

Yesterday, I had a 3600 swim and a 4:45 bike on my plan. Whew. After working a few hours helping to clean out the garage, I jumped in for the swim. I was tired after the first 400. I reminded myself that about 3 months ago, I swam 10,000. I could do this. I was thinking of stopping after 2,000, but I just kept going. It felt good to finish the 3,000, albeit a bit slowly, and then I cut the cool down short. My arms were so tired!

I came home and truthfully kept trying to find things to do to avoid the bike ahead. The weather was too dicey to ride outside, and I wouldn’t have been done until around 10pm anyway, so I finally got on the trainer, thinking I’d try to do at least 2 hours. I’d rented two movies to keep me occupied – Concussion (which was very good) and Daddy’s Home (very funny). 2 hours into the bike, my blood sugar had been low for about 30 minutes, and wasn’t getting better. So I took a break to get some real food.

While downing a PB&J, looking at the rain, then hail, pelting our backyard, tears sliding down my cheeks, the thought came to me: there are people like me who have mental illnesses who can’t even get out of bed in the morning. They are on social security because their mental health is so bad, they can’t work. I work 40 hours a week. Run a household. Have a husband and 2-4 kids (depending on the weekend). And I’m training for a half Ironman. I’m worried about making it through a 4:45 training ride and St. George HIM (half Ironman). And there are people like me who can’t even get out of bed. But I can do this. I am really blessed. I could be so much worse.

After crying for a while, and receiving many words of encouragement from my hubby, I went back downstairs for more biking.

I only made it another hour before I had to call it a night. I got in the shower and cried. A lot. People keep telling me that I’ve trained so hard, I can definitely do well in St. George. So why can’t I believe that? I just don’t understand why I feel so weak and tired when I’m trying so hard. Why does it feel so impossible? I get so tired on the bike. This lends more support to the idea that finishing an Ironman is just as much mental as physical.

What if I can’t do it? Again? I don’t want to fail again. Another failure at something like this could be the straw that breaks this camel’s back. I feel like I’ve been teetering on the edge of a giant cliff for a little while now. What if this is the failure that tips my mind over the edge? I don’t want that. But I’m afraid.

I need to take my own advice – fear and faith cannot coexist. And while I usually don’t pray for help with races – I feel like that’s something silly and irreverent maybe – I can pray for mental strength. That no matter what happens, I’ll be strong enough to come through it and keep going, whether I finish the race or not. But if I think that way, I’m giving myself an out. And the only way I’m going to finish is if I take away the option of giving up.

The look of someone who just
finished their first full Ironman
IM Louisville 2012

Shouldn’t I feel stronger by now? I know I could improve nutrition and sleep a bit – so can everyone. But I don’t think it’s severe enough to be holding me back this much. So it comes back to my mind. I’m starting to think more and more that I just don’t have what it takes. Some people are mentally strong, and some aren’t. I’ve been mentally strong at other times in my life. This current challenge is the biggest one yet. The angst I feel inside is real. It’s hard. I want to be as strong as those athletes in Louisville, including my husband. I want to be as strong as many of my friends in the Salt Lake Tri Club. But maybe I just can’t. And that makes me feel like I’m letting everyone down. My coach, my husband, myself. If I could just fight past this wall. I just don’t know how to make myself not give up when it comes to race time. This fills me with sadness, frustration, guilt, anger at myself. What’s wrong with me? It just makes me feel so awful inside. Awful about myself. Even typing this brings tears to my eyes. How do I do this? I have 27 days to figure it out.

#thestruggleisreal