 |
| Hubby Finishing IM Louisville 2012 |
The reason I decided, in August 2012, that someday, I would
finish an Ironman, was after watching my husband and many other amazing athletes
forging ahead in Ironman Louisville. They exhibited such mental strength,
something I felt I was greatly lacking, and it’s something I wanted for myself.
Yesterday, I started to doubt whether I would ever accomplish that goal. I am
stuck. Behind a brick wall. Called depression.
I missed two full days of training this week. And cut a few
trainings short. I was so down, I was about to quit triathlon altogether. With all of the research being done on the human brain these days, I wonder what the cure is for depression, anxiety, bi-polar, OCD, and many other mental illnesses. There has to be something!
trainings short. I was so down, I was about to quit triathlon altogether. With all of the research being done on the human brain these days, I wonder what the cure is for depression, anxiety, bi-polar, OCD, and many other mental illnesses. There has to be something!
Despite many mental, emotional, and physical struggles this
week, Thursday I strapped on my bike shoes and got back on the saddle. More than
1,000 calories burned Thursday, 1,200 burned Friday, and 1,400 burned Saturday –
and today, I’m hammered.
Friday I decided to map a hilly course for my 2.5 hour, 12.8
mile run. I managed a total of 950+ feet of climbing, which doesn’t equal St.
George’s 1200. Friday’s course had some 13-14% grade climbs, which I don’t
think St. George will have.
After the first really big climb, which I jogged up
entirely, I stopped at the corner and looked back on how high I came. As I
panted, caught my breath and took a drink, I was amazed at what I’d just done. That
felt good! The rest of the run was challenging too, and I didn’t run up all the
hills, but I finished strong at the end, despite being tired, sore (my calves
cramped up), and thirsty.
Yesterday, I had a 3600 swim and a 4:45 bike on my plan.
Whew. After working a few hours helping to clean out the garage, I jumped in
for the swim. I was tired after the first 400. I reminded myself that about 3
months ago, I swam 10,000. I could do this. I was thinking of stopping after
2,000, but I just kept going. It felt good to finish the 3,000, albeit a bit
slowly, and then I cut the cool down short. My arms were so tired!
I came home and truthfully kept trying to find things to do
to avoid the bike ahead. The weather was too dicey to ride outside, and I
wouldn’t have been done until around 10pm anyway, so I finally got on the
trainer, thinking I’d try to do at least 2 hours. I’d rented two movies to keep
me occupied – Concussion (which was very good) and Daddy’s Home (very funny). 2
hours into the bike, my blood sugar had been low for about 30 minutes, and wasn’t
getting better. So I took a break to get some real food.
While downing a PB&J, looking at the rain, then hail,
pelting our backyard, tears sliding down my cheeks, the thought came to me:
there are people like me who have mental illnesses who can’t even get out of
bed in the morning. They are on social security because their mental health is
so bad, they can’t work. I work 40 hours a week. Run a household. Have a
husband and 2-4 kids (depending on the weekend). And I’m training for a half
Ironman. I’m worried about making it through a 4:45 training ride and St.
George HIM (half Ironman). And there are people like me who can’t even get out
of bed. But I can do this. I am really blessed. I could be so much worse.
After crying for a while, and receiving many words of
encouragement from my hubby, I went back downstairs for more biking.
I only made it another hour before I had to call it a night.
I got in the shower and cried. A lot. People keep telling me that I’ve trained
so hard, I can definitely do well in St. George. So why can’t I believe that? I
just don’t understand why I feel so weak and tired when I’m trying so hard. Why
does it feel so impossible? I get so tired on the bike. This lends more support
to the idea that finishing an Ironman is just as much mental as physical.
What if I can’t do it? Again? I don’t want to fail again.
Another failure at something like this could be the straw that breaks this
camel’s back. I feel like I’ve been teetering on the edge of a giant cliff for
a little while now. What if this is the failure that tips my mind over the
edge? I don’t want that. But I’m afraid.
I need to take my own advice – fear and faith cannot
coexist. And while I usually don’t pray for help with races – I feel like that’s
something silly and irreverent maybe – I can pray for mental strength. That no
matter what happens, I’ll be strong enough to come through it and keep going,
whether I finish the race or not. But if I think that way, I’m giving myself an
out. And the only way I’m going to finish is if I take away the option of
giving up.
 |
| The look of someone who just finished their first full Ironman IM Louisville 2012 |
#thestruggleisreal
