I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. 7 months actually.
It’s been a rewarding but challenging year. I stood on the podium more this
year than the previous 2 years combined. I met my goal of making it to USAT Age
Group Nationals. I accomplished my goals there of not finishing last in my age
group and breaking 3 hours for an Olympic distance – a first. I even
accomplished something by surprise – placing third overall for the women at Camp Yuba triathlon. I’m still
amazed that I did all this. Three years ago I was just learning how to swim.
So why do I still feel so bad?
My biggest accomplishment this year wasn’t doing all those
things, although they are all incredible achievements that many people I know
couldn’t do (at least not without all the training I put into it this year). I
traveled to some beautiful places. Met new people. Improved my bike speed a
lot. I worked hard, and it paid off.
Yet I still feel like nobody special.
My biggest accomplishment was staring down depression and
telling it shut the heck up when it told me I couldn’t do any of those things.
It was getting up at 4:30am every morning to train even when I wanted to lay in
bed and escape to dreamworld, hoping to feel better. It was conquering death,
to live another day. All those races where I started to think about how slow I
still was compared to so many others – I had to force those thoughts away and
focus on my beautiful surroundings. Every tear, every discouragement, and every
hurtful word I uttered to myself – I had to push past it and keep going. I did
so much this year to fight my own mind.
But today, I sit here, wondering who I am.
What is my purpose? Have I really helped anyone? My kids? My
spouse? Myself? I barely recognize myself from who I was about 5 years ago. I’m
quiet, closed off, afraid to talk to people, afraid even to write this. I used
to pride myself on being an open book. That’s not me anymore. And I miss that
Mandy. I’d love to go back to her. I’ve had a few glimpses of her the past
couple of months, but she always gets shut down again. And the ever-present
burden of not liking who I am anymore shuts my mouth, for fear of being harshly
judged.
I may be stronger and faster physically, but I still feel so
weak mentally. Even though I accomplished so much on the outside, I don’t feel
like I’ve progressed all that much on the inside. And that is the whole reason
I started doing triathlon – to increase my mental strength.
Next year, the challenge continues. So far, I only have one
race on the schedule – St. George 70.3, one of the toughest courses in the
world. Hills, heat, and wind await. But I am looking forward to the challenge.
Go big! Other than St. George, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing. I’ve set a goal
to be more conservative with my spending so I can pay some things off and save
more. But I am looking forward to a little more flexibility. I’d love to do
more trail running, hiking, and explore Zion’s National Park.
Just like the ; project, my story isn’t over yet. Hopefully
someday I’ll feel brave enough to share what all has happened this year, and as
always, I hope someone out there will be inspired to not give up.
