I began writing a post a few days ago, but think I’ll scrap it. I really don’t want every post I write while I’m going through this to be heavy, miserable, and sad. Even though that seems to be about the only thing I can feel most days. I want to get better. And despite a difficult, roller coaster past week, I’m feeling better today than I have in a while. So keep reading - this post gets happier at the end.
I’m learning a lot from a workshop I’m taking. There are many parts to enacting positive change in ourselves and others. Think about a poor behavior you know you need to change, know how to change, and know why you should change it, but you just can’t do it for some reason.
We often believe there is one reason behind someone’s choice to avoid making positive changes. For example, if someone wants to lose weight, some may assume they either just don’t want to, or they’re lazy. If someone is in an abusive relationship, others may think, why don’t they just leave the abuser? They must not be strong enough/smart enough, etc.
The reality is that there are many factors influencing a person’s ability to change. There are six different categories. As I’ve been digging in to try and understand my illness, I’ve been thinking a lot about these factors and what behaviors I’ve had all wrong.
I think I’ve blogged about fear before. But fear has been a motivating factor in many of my behavioral decisions. And this hasn’t been just the past few months, but goes back years. It has also tinged all six sources of influence in my life: personal motivation and ability, social motivation and ability, and structural motivation and ability.
I think my biggest decision making influencer fear. More specifically, it is the fear that I am not worthy of being loved. Most often I feel no self-worth, or like I’m not good enough to be loved. This caused me to withdraw from people, and thus began one of many negative cycles throughout my life. It has certainly contributed greatly to my depression. This fear is causing me to behave uncharacteristically. In reference to the six sources of influence, they have been affected in the following ways:
• Personal Motivation – Because I’ve been afraid to try to break free from the depression because I’m worried I’d fail and fall back down – and not be able to get back up, - it’s held me back from even trying. I’ve often thought that I just wanted to quit instead so I wouldn’t have to go through all of that. The idea was so overwhelming, I had no motivation to keep going.
• Personal Ability – I’ve felt uneducated on exactly how to overcome the depression, and I’ve been afraid that I just wasn’t capable of actually doing it.
• Social motivation – I’ve acted very out-of-character in social situations. Because of the fear of not fitting in, being treated differently, or not being accepted and loved by others, I’ve made hurtful comments to others, or withdrawn and not said much at all.
• Social Ability – Although I’ve had plenty of people around me who love me and have wanted to help me, out of fear that they’d get sick of me, sick of hearing about my depressed thoughts, I pushed many people away.
• Structural Motivation – This one has to do with rewards. Because I’ve been afraid that in the end, I couldn’t beat this, the only reward I could think of was ending my life and not having to deal with any of it anymore. I also concluded I’d be miserable like this for eternity, but at least then I’d know what my puny existence would amount to.
• Structural Ability – This usually refers to tool problems. My tool in this instance is my brain. I can’t tell you how many times over the past few years I’ve thought, “I’m broken”, “What is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I fix myself?” “Something must be really wrong in my head.” Fear that I’m just not “fixable” has kept me from seeking professional help.
With all of these negative thoughts and fears weighing on me, it’s no wonder I can’t just tell myself, “Be cured!” and I’d magically be happy
again. If there is one thing I’m learning from this experience, it’s to embrace those who are struggling – whether it’s an addiction, illness, a crazy amount of stress that is making them act different (angry, sad, etc.) or whatever. No matter what poor or even destructive behaviors they have gotten into the habit of exhibiting, everyone is a child of God and worthy of love. We have no idea what it’s like to live inside their head. We have no idea if there are chemical imbalances, functional issues, or how many things are weighing them down. The bottom line is, each of us hurts sometimes. And as a friend reminded me last night, at the end of the day, all anyone who is hurting wants is a hug and to know they are loved.
So please, reach out to someone you know who is hurting (I’m not implying that should be me – like I said, I’m finally feeling better today), give them a hug, and tell them you love them. And don’t give up on them! As Kermit kept reminding me, things will get better!
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