Today is another anniversary. But I find as more of them come and go, I handle them better. Don Queco would have turned 33 today. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week now. Perhaps I’ve been mentally preparing myself for today, so it wouldn’t be so difficult. On Sunday, I listened to a radio program interviewing a family who had lost their son to suicide. As they spoke about their emotions, healing, grieving, etc, I shed fresh tears over losing my best friend. Another layer of healing, I suppose. Last night when I went to set my alarm, I changed the time… and accidentally went to 7:01 am rather than just 7:00. I was going to change it, but decided to just leave it. I usually have my clock radio on a classical station, so I can wake up to soothing peaceful music. But yesterday, I had changed it to a rock station to jam out to while I was doing something or other. And I didn’t change it back. When I woke up to the music this morning, Beyoncé’s Halo was playing. This always reminds me of Don Queco because it was the first song that played during the tribute slide show his family put together. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
There have been many things going on in my life over the past few months that have thrust me into a cycle of deep reflection and knowledge-seeking. Through this study, I have come to understand much about myself, God, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have made peace with things which have troubled me since childhood. This is a discussion for another day, but suffice it to say, I am grateful to know that a heart I once thought would always be broken is now healing. Where I once thought I’d never be able to overcome negative self-talk and perpetual beating-myself-up cycles, I am. It’s working. It’s a miracle.
All of this healing has instilled something else surprising within me. A deeper desire to love and be loved. This includes the arena of romantic relationships. This isn’t the infatuated, “I’m going to just die if I don’t get married soon”, type of desires I’ve felt before. It’s more of a “I’m waiting patiently for this to happen in my life, preparing myself for it, but I know when the time is right, I’ll be ready to give my whole heart to someone”. Not only that, but I want to love someone, take care of them, share my life with them. The title of this blog comes from the interesting balance I’ve come to between being content to wait on this blessing, but also wanting to take action. Don Queco’s death taught me that the end is coming, and we have no way of knowing when it will be. I don’t want to waste more time. Time which I could be using to love someone. This feeling has prompted my strong desire to move closer to my family as well as fueling my current desire to marry again. On the one hand, I’m okay waiting and being single for the time needed in order to submit my will to Heavenly Father’s. But on the other, I’m no longer content to sit around waiting forever.
Enter a whole slew of thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head the past couple weeks. There is a man, a pretty incredible one at that, who I have been swooning over for some time now. I’ve mentioned him before in here, so for now, he’ll remain anonymous. While reading some emails this weekend, a phrase jumped out at me, and I only recently realized why. The idea was that some things just make sense. You don’t need a huge knock on the head experience to know some things would be a good idea. As part of my learning experience, I’ve come to believe that there are quite a few people out there who we could be happy with. It’s all dependent upon our choices. If both people are willing to put forth the work, to not give up, and go to the right source for help, it can work. But it all depends on each person’s willingness to make that leap of faith.
I have no doubt in my mind that spending my life with this particular guy makes sense. And that if both of us chose, we could be happy and have a good life. I have known him for almost 15 years now. 15 years! And after that long, we love each other, care about each other, are there for each other. We can still make the other’s heart pound, we’re attracted to each other. No chemistry problems there! We can disagree or argue, deal with it, and move on. But, perhaps best of all, there is no doubt in my mind that he would treat me and my kids with kindness, unselfishness, that he would make me laugh, cry (in a good way), and keep my tummy happy. J I know his reasons right now for being cautious, and I respect those. But I can say with full assurance, that, should he ever choose to be my Knight, I would forever be content to be his princess, to mend his wounds after battle, write poems in his honor, and climb mountains just to be with him. Why? Because after 15 years, I can say he is one of the most amazing men I have had the honor of knowing, and after so long, I can say I love him.
Who knows what will happen. But I can tell you, I’ve been extremely blessed in my life to have many opportunities to love and to be loved. I’ve submitted my will to my Father’s, so what will be will be. I know He won’t leave me, no matter how many fiery dragons I have to fight off… alone, or with my Knight by my side.
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