Because running
has become such an integral part of my life over the past year, and even more
so over the past couple of months since I started entering races, I thought it
prudent to tell the story of how this all began. And I don’t mean running with Edward last
summer. I mean finally talking about
overcoming some personal health challenges that have plagued me since childhood…
the challenges that have brought me where I am today- having recently decided
to begin training for the Provo Halloween half marathon. I’d also like to describe, in later posts,
all I’ve learned, and how I’ve grown, from the races I’ve run so far... as well
as documenting my experiences training for a half marathon-something I never
thought in a million years I’d attempt, but which I’m really excited about now.
Being
healthy, getting exercise and eating well have always been important to
me. This, plus my health challenges, and
my recent fascination with running, I believe are all important parts of me
that my future knight needs to know about.
So, knight, here is the beginning of a very long journey (told in shorter
form here). If you truly want to know me,
know who I am and what I’ve come from- and see the determination to overcome
challenges that resides in the core of my being, this story is perhaps one of
the most important ones for me to tell.
I spent
most of my childhood and teen years with a very deep fear. Not your typical fear like being afraid of
the dark (although I was afraid of that too) or of spiders or loud noises or
boogey men. I had a fear of food. But it’s not that simple. I had a fear that the food I ate would make
me sick. There’s nothing I hate more
than throwing up. Unfortunately for me, when
I get really nervous, scared, stressed, etc, I can, in a split second, feel
like I’m going to lose the contents of my stomach. Instead, food often goes straight through me. But just feeling like I’m going to be sick is
enough to start a chain reaction that sends me in an emotional, physical and
mental downward spiral.
I remember
the birthday party I went to one time when I was about 6 or 7. I was so nervous that I started feeling
really sick and had to lay down on a bench at the pizza parlor while all the
other kids played and celebrated. I was
so embarrassed and so disappointed in myself, I laid there crying for what
seemed like hours. Those were the days
before cell phones, so I had to wait until the party ended for my mom to come pick
me up. I felt so bad that for years I
had difficulty going to parties (actually, I still sometimes get nervous when I
go to a party with lots of food and many people I don’t know). I also have a hard time going out to eat sometimes-
still to this day- even if it’s just with family or close friends.
 |
| Senior Year homecoming- 110 lbs |
I rarely
got the throwing-up stomach flu growing up, but when I did, it took me a year
or more to get back to normal. When I
was 17, I got a really bad case. Actually,
that’s the last time I’ve thrown up (16 years and counting!!) At the time, I was a bit overweight, and a
few months later, due to a lot of stressful events, I had a nervous
breakdown. Within about 5 or 6 months
after the flu, I’d lost 30 pounds. My
fear of food making me sick hit its peak during my senior year of high school. I rarely ate breakfast. I maybe had a cup of fries at school for
lunch. And I took the smallest servings
I could get away with at dinner, or I’d skip dinner, since I often worked in
the evenings after school. If something
was coming up that might potentially make me nervous or stressed, I didn’t eat
to save myself the trouble of getting sick.
I still felt nauseated, but at least I didn’t have to worry about making
embarrassing trips to the bathroom out in public.
When it
comes to exercise, I played softball for about 5 years growing up. I tried cross country my junior year, but
couldn’t do that and marching band. I
often went on long bike rides as a kid.
Or long walks with my dad. When I
went to college, free access to a school gym prompted me to spend a lot of time
there. Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet
learned the value of eating a healthy balanced diet while exercising, so I don’t
think the workouts did that much good.
 |
| Dec 2004 about 108 lbs |
Despite my
fear of eating and efforts to try and get enough exercise, my weight yo-yo’d
quite a bit. I gained 15 pounds my
freshman year of college. When I got
married 8 days before I turned 20, I weighed 125 (I’m 5’2”), a pretty healthy
weight for me (I like to be between 120-125, although my senior year of high
school and most of my married life found me at 110 lbs or slightly less). I experienced a lot of stress during my 8.5
year marriage, and unfortunately, my ex wasn’t sure how to handle my fear of
food episodes. Over time he slowly lost all patience for it,
which made it even worse. It was a
vicious cycle neither one of us knew how to break. I felt trapped. I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to, or
how to stop it. I knew I wasn’t doing
what was best for my body. I exercised a
lot, but not consistently. Having kids
sped up my metabolism, so I could eat what I wanted and didn’t gain an ounce. This meant I ate a lot of unhealthy
foods. This of course affected my moods,
sleep, and ability to be a good wife and mother. I was embarrassed, lost, and felt hopeless to
change. Despite people’s comments of how
skinny I was (which should have made me feel good about myself, right?), I
always thought horrible because they didn’t know about my fear of food. They sometimes commented on how I ate like a
bird, but little did they know it was because I was afraid it would make me
sick, not because I was anorexic or anything.
When I got down to 108 I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t know how
to stop feeling sick when I was stressed, nervous, or worried. I even carried Imodium AD everywhere I went
because I never knew when it would hit me.
Then one
day about a year before I got divorced, I was reading a section in my scriptures
that provides eating guidelines to ensure being healthy. One verse jumped out at me which explained
that God had made food for our pleasure and benefit. He wanted us to be healthy, to feel good, to
gain satisfaction from a good, healthy meal.
He didn’t create food to make us sick.
This was life changing for me.
Slowly, I started looking at food much differently- not as an enemy that
would often send me running to the nearest bathroom, but something to be
enjoyed. I started trying more new
things that I discovered were delicious and tried cooking more often. Meals became much healthier and I felt
better.
While this
was a giant step for me, I have still struggled in the six years since this
event. Every time something comes up
that makes me stressed or nervous, my first reaction is to stop eating… and if
I don’t, I often find myself making a few trips to the royal throne. Dating has been the worst trigger. Perhaps because I’m afraid they will have
zero tolerance for this challenge. I’ve
read that eating disorders stem from the person trying to gain some semblance
of control over what seems to them to be an out-of-control life. For me, I always felt like getting sick and
feeling sick were out of my control, and the only way I knew how to stop
feeling that way was to stop eating. I
also knew I had no control over whether a relationship ended or not, since all
the guys I dated (well, the ones I went out with more than once) were the ones
who ended the relationship. I’ve been
able to keep my secret from all but one of them so far, however, and not
without difficulty. It’s like this
poisonous secret I’m dying to get out, but I’m too afraid to trust that they’ll
understand or at least be compassionate and patient. However, I know deep down that the guy who
does become my knight will understand.
The only way to find out if he’s that guy is to throw all this out there
and come what may- something that scares me like crazy.
My saving
grace over the past few years has been exercise. I’ve experimented with quite a few different
types. I shed quite a bit of frustration,
fear, nervousness, and sweat working out to Tae-Bo videos with Billy Blanks. But, as I started getting older, I found
those 30 minute workouts just weren’t cutting it like they used to. Hiking became a favorite of mine. Not only did I burn a ton of calories, but it
was the one place where I felt at peace, could have an open mind to
inspiration, and could get something my body was craving- exercise.
 | |
| July 2012- A much healthier 123 lbs |
Little did
Edward know last year how convincing me to go running with him one day would
change my life. Finally I found
something that didn’t take a ton of time (necessary for a busy graduate
student/single mom) and really worked.
It had the same benefits as hiking but fit into a smaller time frame-
and helped me regulate my weight and minimize my fear of food (most likely
because of all the good hormones flowing regularly through my body). And now I’m addicted to running! Since entering my first race, I knew this
would be a part of my life until the day I die.
I still
struggle with being afraid of eating. I
have learned some other tricks that help overcome those times when they hit. But it’s always with me, especially the first
month or so of a new relationship. The
good news is that running helps me stay more balanced. And I hope that one day I can overcome my fear
of food once and for all. I plan on
doing it- one race at a time.
Watch for
upcoming posts about my race chronicles!
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