There are so many aspects of depression that are difficult
to deal with and overcome. As I’ve sat in many therapy sessions, the question
that haunts me the most is, “Why can’t I feel God’s love for me?” And, “Why
can’t I feel love from others?”
This one question, more than any others I have struggled
with, has caused me the deepest sorrow, and most reflection. Logically, I know
God loves me. I know many friends and family love me as evidenced by their attempts
to help me feel better. Yet for some reason, I can’t feel any of that love.
Not feeling loved is something I have always struggled with.
I honestly don’t know why. Logically I know it to be true, but I can’t feel it,
and therefore question its truth. Knowing and feeling are two completely
different things. If those aren’t in sync, it throws everything else off.
I’ve questioned my sanity. I’ve questioned my ability to
tell the difference between right and wrong. All because I can’t seem to sync
these two phenomena in my mind.
I’ve also cried out in prayer (screamed actually… just this
morning driving in my car), “Why am I here? Why am I alive? Is there no forgiveness
for me?” I have become convinced that I have committed something so heinous
that I am beyond forgiveness, and Heavenly Father is bound and can’t share His
love with me. I often think how I hate the person I’ve become. Moody, always
sad, crying a lot, feeling like even the simplest of things are impossible to
do.
But worst of all, I’ve felt completely abandoned. I think we
can all agree, without citing a bunch of scholarly journal articles, that love
is a basic human need. Not being able to feel that, no matter how hard I tried,
left me barely breathing as the negative thoughts circled through my head. This
absence of love feels like a black hole surrounding me. Anything good that
comes my way gets sucked in – and away from me. The pain has been so tangible,
I’ve reached out into the air around me, trying to push it away. I’ve cried, screamed
and yelled, asking why I’m alive if my only purpose is to hurt those around me
or spread this emptiness.
No answers.
So I’ve continued, day after day, feeling completely alone,
shunned even by my creator – even though logically I knew this wasn’t true.
Recently I’ve taken to pleading with Him to allow me to feel some semblance of
hope, love, forgiveness, acceptance from Him.
Still nothing.
My sense of loss, this morning, reached an all-time low. I
started once again, for the thousandth time this year, to think of how I could
most peaceably and discretely end my life.
Then today, I visited www.lds.org
searching for this month’s Visiting Teaching Message (Women in the LDS church
strive to visit a few other women in their congregation on a monthly basis,
called visiting teaching, to provide friendship and help). I was distracted by
the words on the homepage, “Are your trials changing you for the better?” This
linked to a new video titled “The
Refiner’s Fire”. The woman in the video shared her experience losing two
(almost three) of her children and her husband to cancer. She made the comment
that the experience was like Newton’s Law – for every action there is an equal
and opposing reaction. The only way she can now “mourn with those who mourn and
comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9)
is because she has gone through it herself. She now finds joy in helping others
in their times of pain.
After watching this, I remembered a conversation I had with
my sister-in-law this weekend. I brought up a phrase in my patriarchal blessing
(a blessing given to worthy members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints offering counsel from the Lord. More
here.) that talks about love. I mentioned I thought it was ironic that it
would talk about me loving others, when I can’t feel love from anyone. How am I
supposed to do what I was put here on earth to do, if I can’t feel love? It
makes me feel so selfish and self-absorbed – the opposite of love.
Then it hit me. If my purpose in life is to love others, how
can I accomplish that if I don’t fully comprehend and know what a complete lack of love feels like? How can I completely
love those around me, if I don’t know what it’s like to feel that never-ending,
all-consuming pain of being abandoned when you need it most?
Then I thought, isn’t that exactly what Christ did for us?
How could He comfort us (John 14:18)
through our deepest, darkest moments, if he didn’t know what it felt like?
I can’t say I’m completely comforted, yet, with this new
insight. And even though I have this knowledge, which I am still wrapping me
head around, it’s not any easier to feel unloved. And I’m actually a little
saddened that it’s taking me such a long time to learn this lesson. But I
really do hope, that someday, this will make sense. That all of the pain,
tears, feelings of hopelessness, and utter abandonment, will someday help
someone else. I say I hope because so far no one has gotten through to me, to
make all the darkness flee away. Well, except for whoever was involved in
producing that short video I watched today. If I only had the power to take
away this pain from others, I would. When I do die, there’s no need to send me
to hell, because I’ve been living it in my head for the past year. If I can
somehow ease that burden from someone else, well, it would mean a lot to me.
Here’s to hoping I can make it through this, and help others
by loving them with a complete understanding of what they’re going through.
Because I know.
