As part of my assignment from my therapist last week, I had to write a letter to God. Along with that, for the first time in a couple years, I was inspired to write a poem. I'll share both below. I think they paint a fairly decent picture of the hell I'm living in - completely in my own head. It's a nightmare. I hate living with myself. I hate being inside my head. I wish I could step out of it.
For next week, I'm supposed to write a letter to depression. I'll share that later.
Dear Heavenly Father,
The past year or so has been pretty hard. Actually, the past 15 years has been pretty hard. I suppose it’s true that hard things make you stronger, but I’ve felt like with each hard thing, it’s been harder to recover. It’s been harder to catch my breath after each wave.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I know thou hast blessed my life immensely over the years, many blessings of which I have no knowledge of. I am disappointed in myself often though because I worry I don’t say thank you enough. And I worry that the mistakes outweigh the good things I’ve done. I worry that my murmuring annoys you, and makes you disappointed in me. For where much is given, much is expected, and I just don’t know that I’ve lived up to your expectations.
Which is a big part of my problem I think. I have such a hard time hearing you, and knowing what comes from you and what is me just hoping that you would say kind, encouraging things to me, even when I don’t deserve them. It’s been so hard, all my life, to really feel that you love me. Just like I had trouble feeling love from others, because I don’t think of myself as a good person, a good wife, or a good mother.
I’ve prayed so many times for help with this. I’ve asked for your help to overcome these challenges so I can feel strengthened from thee. Maybe since I live with myself every minute of every day, I haven’t been able to recognize times when you’ve strengthened me. Or maybe the fallen man in me always focuses just on the bad things, so they seem overwhelming, and they seem to outweigh the good things. Maybe my pride keeps me from feeling you. Or maybe it’s the depression. I’m sure it’s me and not you. I’m sure you’ve tried. I’m sure you’ve cried and ached over me, some of the decisions I’ve made throughout my life, and the things I experience. I’m sure you’ve wanted to protect me, to heal me. I just don’t understand why I’ve felt so alone the past year.
There seem to be plenty of people to do bad things, really bad things, who can feel thy love and inspiration. So what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get past this? I want to feel thy love for me. I want to be self-confident. I’ve worked hard to do good things, to make something of myself, but peace, comfort, and self-love still alludes me. I feel alienated, but of my own doing, because I know thou lovest me and wants to help me, so there must be something very wrong with me. Or that I really am an awful person, and I’m just kidding myself to think that I’m not that bad, at least not bad enough to feel totally cut off.
Maybe I could try harder. But I feel so overwhelmed right now, that even little things make me feel like I’m going to completely fall apart. And when bigger things hit, like yesterday, I almost lose it. I’ve been living in survival mode for so long now. And it seems like there is no way out. I can’t see the end. I can’t see anything better. I’ve been living like this for so long. And I’m so exhausted, I don’t see how I could work hard enough to break free from all of this. I feel hopeless most of the time. Training for triathlon seems to be the only thing right now where I can see improvement and I can get at least a small taste of feeling good about something.
For a very long time, I’ve felt like all my work at trying to strengthen myself spiritually didn’t get me anywhere. I still felt so weak, like the slightest breeze from Satan would knock me off my feet. So for a while I just gave up. I questioned whether reading scriptures every day, praying a lot, attending the temple a lot, was really helping me overcome my emotional and mental difficulties. I can honestly say that I don’t think I feel any worse or better either way.
I don’t know what else to say except I feel so abandoned, and I know it’s because of my own actions. But I don’t have any hope anymore for help from thee to break free from the darkness that just won’t leave me. I don’t really have the energy to keep fighting anymore, but I also don’t want to die and have to face thee and your disappointments. I figure I’ll feel 10 times worse reviewing all the bad things with thee. But I’m scared I’ll be outcast to some awful, dark place where I’ll feel lost and dark and sad for eternity, and I can’t bear that thought either. At least while I’m alive I have brief flickers of good days, even if they don’t last long.
Please help me to break free from all of this. Please help me to feel loved. Please help me to feel love from others. I feel love towards others, but not from others. Please help me to overcome the darkness.
Mandy
Where are you?
I am lost.
In a beautiful world.
Surrounded by family, friends, love
But feeling nothing.
There are stunning mountains
Reaching for the sun.
Gentle waves tickling the river bank and shore.
Birds singing their happy songs,
And crickets holding long conversations at night.
My bare skin drinks in the sun
Thirsting for warmth, peace, and hope.
But the light slams into dark, foreboding walls in my innermost places,
Unable to enliven my dying soul.
Occasionally, I feel pinpricks of light
But they are quickly snuffed out
Lost in shame, guilt.
With each failure
Of keeping and growing the light
My shoulders droop,
Breath stutters,
My entire being giving way
To the oppressive blackness
Pushing me down.
No amount of squats, thrusters,
Or kettle bell swings
Can strengthen me to carry the weight.
I feel powerless to fight,
Like the blackness has a life of its own –
Its strong hands and arms holding me captive.
Its broad chest shielding me from love.
Its twisted mind convincing me
I am a horrible person,
Am not worthy of forgiveness, love.
What is wrong with me?!
I shout into the nothing.
Is anyone out there?
Is anyone listening?
I can’t hear you,
Feel you.
All I feel is emptiness, hopelessness, disgust at myself.
Oh God, where are you?
