When
things get tough, I try to remind myself it’ll get better soon. When my body feels like it’s ready to explode
from stress, I pray I’ll make it through this meat grinder in one piece. Just when I feel like I can’t possibly take
anymore, I finally get to the end of the tunnel and bask in the warm glow of something
going right. I’d like to think that
after going through this same process countless times, I’d be able to handle
the intense times better and with greater finesse. You know what, I think I am. There are those crisis moments I could probably
handle better, but overall, I can report making definite progress.
Over the
past few weeks, a few things have been on my mind. One being that I feel like I’ve been under a
microscope for a couple months. I’ve
felt like a few people have been holding me to a high standard of
perfection. And if I didn’t meet their
expectations, then I wasn’t worthy of doing what I love most- being a mom. There are certainly times where I look back
and think, yeah, I could have handled that better. There are times where I question why in the
world Heavenly Father thought I could do this, and why He entrusted me with
these two precious kids. But after
countless people telling me what an inspiration I am, what a great mom I am,
and how amazing I am, it’s starting to make a difference. And I realized those who have been holding me
to a higher standard than everyone else don’t really know me, and are ignoring
all the good things.
I started
making a list of all the trials I’ve had to overcome, and all the good things
that have occurred over the past three years since my journey to get to grad
school began. And the list was pretty
dang long. I passed the GRE, a monster
of a test. I moved myself and my kids to
a new city. I said good-bye to Don
Queco. I sloshed through his
passing. I landed an amazing internship
through a competitive selection process.
I finished all my graduate coursework with a 4.0. I’m about to finish my thesis, after meeting
a roadblock every single step of the way.
I got my son the help he needed to start being successful in the
subjects he was struggling in at school.
Dealt with countless health challenges my kids were going through. Dealt
with my own health issues. At times I
was sad, even depressed, and inconsolable.
Other times I felt joy and gratitude.
I cried happy tears- and sad tears.
I wiped my kids’ tears away. I
gave hugs, and received many more. I
have learned so many things about myself.
Things that I know will help me in the years to come.
All this
in the last three years. Now, I don’t
want to make it sound like I’m all that and a bag of chips. I couldn’t have done all this without support
from family and friends. If I were to
count all the times Kerrian successfully cheered me up, I’d
need about a hundred more hands to count them all (for a reminder on who
Kerrian is, look back at my post on 10-11-11).
There is no way in the world I could have waded through so much sorrow
if it wasn’t for my Heavenly Father carrying me most of the way.
I guess
the bottom line is, I may not ever meet those critical of me’s expectations. I will never be the person they want me to
be. And you know what? That’s okay.
Look at all I have accomplished.
I just got a great job that will provide financial security… something I’ve
been lacking for many years now. Things
don’t usually work out when or how I want them to. Or how others want them to. But they do work out how they are supposed
to. And that’s good enough for me.
