Saturday, May 19, 2012

Look out for that… light at the end of the tunnel!


When things get tough, I try to remind myself it’ll get better soon.  When my body feels like it’s ready to explode from stress, I pray I’ll make it through this meat grinder in one piece.  Just when I feel like I can’t possibly take anymore, I finally get to the end of the tunnel and bask in the warm glow of something going right.  I’d like to think that after going through this same process countless times, I’d be able to handle the intense times better and with greater finesse.  You know what, I think I am.  There are those crisis moments I could probably handle better, but overall, I can report making definite progress.

Over the past few weeks, a few things have been on my mind.  One being that I feel like I’ve been under a microscope for a couple months.  I’ve felt like a few people have been holding me to a high standard of perfection.  And if I didn’t meet their expectations, then I wasn’t worthy of doing what I love most- being a mom.  There are certainly times where I look back and think, yeah, I could have handled that better.  There are times where I question why in the world Heavenly Father thought I could do this, and why He entrusted me with these two precious kids.  But after countless people telling me what an inspiration I am, what a great mom I am, and how amazing I am, it’s starting to make a difference.  And I realized those who have been holding me to a higher standard than everyone else don’t really know me, and are ignoring all the good things.

I started making a list of all the trials I’ve had to overcome, and all the good things that have occurred over the past three years since my journey to get to grad school began.  And the list was pretty dang long.  I passed the GRE, a monster of a test.  I moved myself and my kids to a new city.  I said good-bye to Don Queco.  I sloshed through his passing.  I landed an amazing internship through a competitive selection process.  I finished all my graduate coursework with a 4.0.  I’m about to finish my thesis, after meeting a roadblock every single step of the way.  I got my son the help he needed to start being successful in the subjects he was struggling in at school.  Dealt with countless health challenges my kids were going through.   Dealt with my own health issues.  At times I was sad, even depressed, and inconsolable.  Other times I felt joy and gratitude.  I cried happy tears- and sad tears.  I wiped my kids’ tears away.  I gave hugs, and received many more.  I have learned so many things about myself.  Things that I know will help me in the years to come.  

All this in the last three years.  Now, I don’t want to make it sound like I’m all that and a bag of chips.  I couldn’t have done all this without support from family and friends.  If I were to count all the times Kerrian successfully cheered me up, I’d need about a hundred more hands to count them all (for a reminder on who Kerrian is, look back at my post on 10-11-11).  There is no way in the world I could have waded through so much sorrow if it wasn’t for my Heavenly Father carrying me most of the way.  

I guess the bottom line is, I may not ever meet those critical of me’s expectations.  I will never be the person they want me to be.  And you know what?  That’s okay.  Look at all I have accomplished.  I just got a great job that will provide financial security… something I’ve been lacking for many years now.  Things don’t usually work out when or how I want them to.  Or how others want them to.  But they do work out how they are supposed to.  And that’s good enough for me.